Me Not Always So Horny, but Me Love You All the Time (Rating: SEXUAL)


The title of this post is taken/modified from a very famous (or infamous) scene in the 1987 movie “Full Metal Jacket.”  In the scene, a prostitute approaches one of the central characters, Private Joker…

Da Nang Hooker: Hey, baby. You got girlfriend Vietnam?

Private Joker: Not just this minute.

Da Nang Hooker: Well, baby, me so horny. Me so HORNY. Me love you long time. You party?

Private Joker: Yeah, we might party. How much?

Da Nang Hooker: Fifteen dollar.

Private Joker: Fifteen dollars for both of us?

Da Nang Hooker: No. Each you fifteen dollar. Me love you long time. Me so HORNY.

Private Joker: Fifteen dollar too beaucoup. Five dollars each.

Da Nang Hooker: Me sucky-sucky. Me love you too much.

Private Joker: Five dollars is all my mom allows me to spend.

Da Nang Hooker: Okay. Ten dollar each.

Private Joker: What do we get for ten dollars?

Da Nang Hooker: Every t’ing you want.

Private Joker: Everything?

Da Nang Hooker: Every t’ing.

This short scene (lasting not much more than a minute) became instantly famous, partly because of the absolute rawness of the dialogue and partly by a song that was later written by the rap group 2 Live Crew. It is at once heart-breaking reality combined with a humor (though dark) at the exaggeration of how these Southeast Asian women learned the erotic language of their potential Western Johns.

This scene is also very revealing when it comes to the nature of the sex industry (in all of its forms – pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, etc.).  On one hand, you have the people that work in the industry (many of whom are broken), and on the other, you have the market that they cater to.  We will focus on the latter to set the foundation for this post.

What these ladies were saying to these men is very insightful, because it preys upon a stronghold in the fallen sexual mind.  This stronghold is actually a God-created thing that has been perverted and exploited.  For the sex industry to work, it has to be “sexual.”  This means that it has to talk and present itself in a sexual light.  This sexuality includes communicating to the customer that the “worker” is interested in being sexual, not only in general terms, but specifically with THEM. If you take the sexuality away from it, it becomes merely an anatomy text book/video.  (We will cover that in the future).

It is for this reason that she instinctively used words like, “Me so horny.”  If the truth be told, she probably was not.  To her, this is an issue of business.  It is commonly reported that women who work in this industry are trained to give the impression of sexual desire even when it isn’t there.  Why would they do this?  What do they know about communicating to a man that they themselves want sex, are in the mood for sex, need sex, and that they want him to be the one to solve their problem?  They know that when they give the impression that they WANT sex, it makes the man feel turned on.  It also makes him want to spend money.  There is an old saying among many women in the exotic dance industry: “No guys get sex, but they all get screwed.”  That is lewd and crass, but true.  As much as one of these women may feign interest in a man, it is only an act.  She probably has a man in her life that she shares passion with.  In those times, she is enjoying it.  At work, it is work.

This brings me to the focus of this post.  It is something that Mike and I have dealt with in our marriage.  I hope that it will help you too.  It involves the myth that every time a wife is sexually engaged with her husband she must also be “Horny.”  So, here goes…

Let’s face it…men and women are wired differently.  This is not a negative thing.  In fact, there are many things about Mike being a man that I so love about him.  (And, yes, there are frustrating things about men…and I am sure the men would say the same about women.) But, I want to let the men in on a little secret about their wives that I hope will eliminate frustrations that may cause a riff in the bedroom.

Guys, your wife (or most of them at least) does not need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex.  (Should women be having and enjoying orgasms?  Yes, but that will need to be another post for another time.)  What I am trying to say is that even if your wife is not “in the mood,” that does not equate to her not wanting to take the time to serve and please you.  If she is tired and knows you have that look in your eye, she may be more than willing to “handle your business” without the need to fulfill her own.  This DOES NOT mean she has pity on you or that she is ONLY doing her “duty.”  It honestly may mean that she has a desire to satisfy you, but feels no need for fulfillment herself.  She may really WANT to do it…for you. No strings attached.  No guilt trip.

I think this may help you understand a little better what I am trying to say.  Mike and I both enjoy Carrabba’s Italian Restaurant.  One night, the kids are with his parents and Mike suggests going there for dinner.  I gladly agree.  Normally, we get the same meals over and over.  Mike gets the “Chicken Trio” and I get the “Chicken Marsala.”  When we get there, Mike orders his usual, but I decide that I am going to only get some soup and salad.  Mike could be frustrated with me saying “If all you were going to do is get soup and salad, we could have gone somewhere else.  You didn’t have to come here if you didn’t want to.”  I may respond, “No, that’s not it at all.  I just don’t feel like ordering Chicken Marsala tonight.”

Several misinterpretations of this event could arise in Mike’s mind.  First, he could be tempted not to enjoy his Italian meal because I am not enjoying one as well.  Second, he could misread me not ordering the chicken THIS TIME to mean that the other times I ordered it, I wasn’t really enjoying it.  Third, he could make the biggest mistake and begin to shame or belittle me because of what I ordered.  All of this would be pointless and silly because the truth of the matter is that I was equally as happy on this night with my soup and salad as I was on any other night that I had ordered the chicken.

Let me clarify one point her about the word “duty”.  Sometimes, your wife will meet your sexual needs out of a sense of duty.  This is okay.  Husbands, you must resist the temptation to pressure her to make it something more than that.  There is no dishonor in performing a duty.  The dishonor is only found when the MOTIVE or ATTITUDE behind the duty is wrong (wives take notice here).  This is where MANY husbands and wives miss it in several ways.

[Start Scene]

Husbands, pretend that your wife was walking through the family room as you were watching TV.  At that precise moment, you decided that you were thirsty.  As she walks past, you say, “Honey, would you mind getting me something to drink?”  She responds, “Sure, what would you like?”  Without hesitation, you say, “I would actually like a coke with a lot of ice.”  She smiles and nods and disappears into the kitchen.  Within a few minutes, she emerges with the tall, cool soda in hand.  She sets down a coaster and places it gently on the table next to you.  She turns and walks away, heading on whatever mission she was on before your request came in.  Now… imagine how silly you would look if the following conversation occurred:

You: “Thanks, honey, but where is your drink?”

Her: “Huh?”

You: “Well, I told you that I was thirsty, and I assumed that you would be too.”

Her: “Actually, no.  I am not, but I was more than happy to get a drink for you.”

You: “Well, I don’t understand.  I know that you don’t mind getting a drink for me, but that is not the issue.  The issue is that it is hard for me to enjoy my drink if you are not going to enjoy it with me.”

Her: “But, I’m not thirsty right now.”

You: “I know that you are not, but I figured that since I was having a drink that you could have one too.”

Her: “Okay,” (shaking her head). “I don’t see the logic, but I’ll be right back.” (She disappears into the kitchen once more while you wait with anticipation.  A few minutes later she comes back with a glass of water.)

You: “What is THAT?”

Her: “My drink.  You said that you wanted me to have a drink with you so I am.”

You: “I know that it is a drink, but you’re not having a coke??”

Her: “No.  I don’t want a coke right now.  It’s too much sugar.”

You: “Too much sugar?  Since when do you not like coke?”

Her: “I never said that I didn’t like coke.  I just said that I don’t want one now.”

You: (upset) “You know what?  Forget it.  I wished I had not even said I was thirsty.  I hate it when I let you know what I want and you make me feel bad for expressing it.”

Her: “What?  How am I making you feel bad?  By not wanting a drink at the exact same time that you did?   Is there a law that says that every time that you are thirsty that I must also be thirsty? You make it so hard to be nice to you when you act like this.”

[END SCENE]

I know that this is a simple example, but there is a lot of truth here.  Husbands, if you express a desire, and your wife has agreed to provide or facilitate meeting that desire, then you should be happy.  If you are interested in a sexual release (orgasm), and your wife has expressed a desire to serve you in that area, then accept her service with the same spirit that she is offering it – willingly and without malice.  There are all sorts of “drinks” that she can bring you with a smile that will definitely quench your thirst.  If you are interested in intercourse and your wife is willing to oblige, that is a GOOD THING. In this example, it means that you have persuaded her to have a cup of water while you enjoy some soda.  If, during intercourse, she seems straightforward and business like (focusing on your pleasure), take this for what it is – a loving expression of “duty” motivated by love and executed with a good attitude.  Don’t shame her or guilt her for not also wanting a coke (orgasm).  Whether she wants to receive in like kind or not, should not frustrate you.  She is showing you her love.  Get over the control of having to have her thirsty every time you are.

Wives, be open.  Going back to the Carrabba’s analogy, even if you are not exactly hungry for a full Italian meal, be open to looking over the menu and hearing the specials.  Something might just pique your interest.  In the coke analogy, feel free to take a sip of the one you are bringing to him.  Give a little “mmm” when you do, because we all know that you like coke, even if you don’t want your own at this moment.

One more thing to the wives: The manner in which you get the coke and deliver it to your husband matters.  Be careful not to communicate that he is an interruption to you.  He should not be a burden in your mind, but rather a blessing.  Meeting his needs should be a privilege, not a problem – if for no other reason than that you are the sole master over his sexual release.  He is not authorized by God to seek it or find it with anyone other than you.  Serve in this role with joy.  It pleases the Lord.  And, don’t use this as an ESCAPE from your own sexual expression and health.  Don’t think that just because you are always bringing him what he wants to drink that it can cover for the fact that you are rarely thirsty. If you find that you are seldom thirsty, this is something that needs to be explored and discussed.  And the lack of routine thirst doesn’t only apply to wives.  Again, we will have to cover these subjects later.

Husbands, you should interpret your wife’s willingness to fulfill your requests to be an erotic thing in and of itself.  It is an amazing thing to be a married man.  It is an amazing thing to have sexual thoughts or urges (unstoked by porn, etc) and to have a woman that you can go to who is willing to address them.  That is powerful.  The fact that she is not “getting into it” sexually each time with you is irrelevant.  This is where the title of this post comes from.  A stripper, adult film actress, centerfold, or a prostitute will give sexual looks, say sexual things, and make sexual sounds and noises, but not possess ONE BIT of desire for you.  She is just doing what it takes for you to think that she wants you.  She doesn’t.  It’s an act.

This is the problem with pornography (and lustful material in general): IT IS NOT REAL!  It is a distortion of reality.  Like a reflection in a fun-house mirror, porn takes real things and twists them to the point that they are hardly recognizable from what they once were.  If you have given your mind over to it too often, it can cause the things that are real to be less appealing.  You will find that you are compelled to drag the unreal into the real to feel fulfilled.  How sad indeed!  You have a REAL wife with real soft skin, real breasts, real curves, a real vagina, and a real backside, but you are “thirsty” for a 2-D imitation.  It is not real, and those women (despite their words, groans, moans, and indication to the contrary) are not interested in you at all.

Your wife, on the other hand, does genuinely care about you.  Don’t reduce her down to the same level as a prostitute and ask her to give impressions/expressions that she doesn’t feel at the moment.  If she addresses your needs/desires (manually, vaginally, orally, or even by sharing her body with you while you masturbate), then know that there is nothing fake about it.  It is an expression of her love for you.

This type of Married Sex is VERY erotic.  Think about it…. You, as a man, have the feeling of desire come upon you at work (arousal, thoughts of your wife’s body, sex acts with your wife, etc).  Later that evening when you get home, you let your wife know about the desire for release that you’ve been carrying all day.  She acknowledges your request and assures you that when time and space permit, you will be obliged.  After you have eaten dinner, done dishes, watched the game, checked the Great Married Sex group, etc., you are now ready for bed.  When you arrive in the room, there is a woman in her bedclothes.  She has things that she is doing (prepping clothes for the next day, brushing teeth, etc), but is well aware of your desire.  Before long, she approaches you and begins to meet your needs in a custom-designed manner that only you and her know about.  As she begins to undress and touch you, you stop her and ask her if she is also in the frame of mind for sexual release.  She declines.  At this point, it occurs to you that the act that she is doing (in whatever form she is offering or in the form that you have requested) is SOLELY for YOUR PLEASURE.  She is giving in freely and joyfully to this “carnal” thing that you have requested. King Solomon never had it so good.  Johns on the corner never had it so cheap.  Men, rarely have it that simple and lovingly pure.

DON’T complicate this special aspect of Great Married Sex.  And DON’T ruin the thought of an ice-cold coke in her mind.  You don’t want her to be so stressed-out about not desiring one every time you do that it causes her to lose interest in it altogether.  You don’t want sex with you & frustration with you equated together in her mind…not even subconsciously.

A few words to put things in perspective…

I TOTALLY understand that Married Sex is BEST when both partners are ready for a coke.  When you have two cans filled with sugar, syrup, and carbonation that are thoroughly stirred to the point that they are ready to burst, that is when it Married Sex is at its best.  This is God’s intention, and it is one of the greatest joys that married couples can share.  That being said, having your spouse willingly bring you a coke when you ask (and maybe even having a cup of water while you drink it) ain’t so bad either. Think of it this way…

The 100-fold is when both of you are “contents under pressure.”  Sharing a coke together at these times is WONDEFUL.  Do so often.

The 60-fold is when your wife happily prepares a coke for you and agrees to have a simpler, less fizzy drink for herself along with you.  She is enjoying the time with you and expressing unity at the same time.

The 30-fold is when she really is not thirsty for anything herself, but WILL gladly prepare a delicious beverage of your liking and bring it to you.

HUSBANDS, my question for you here is this:  How is any of this a losing deal to you?  Don’t you get to enjoy a coke in all three of the above scenarios?  Relax.  Enjoy.  Let your wife serve you with joyfulness and gladness.  If (1) the communication stays right between you two, and (2) the partnership is solid, and (3) the mutual dignity is in place, and (4) the domestic support is consistent, and (5) her mind is allowed to get to a place to pause her world just for a moment, she will eventually get a hankering for a coke herself.

WIVES, my counsel (and this is important) is this:  be sensitive to your husband’s thirst.  Don’t always wait for him to ask for a drink.  You know him.  You know (or should know) how often he gets thirsty (which is probably pretty often).  As you go about your daily routines as a woman/wife/mother, make sure that you include his potential thirst on your dashboard of things to maintain and take care of.  If you showing up in the bedroom with two cokes that you are ready to enjoy together is the ultimate, and if you willingly getting him a coke upon his request is the baseline, then you showing up with a coke unrequested falls somewhere in the glorious middle.  It will mean a lot to him that he didn’t have to ask.

WIVES, don’t send him to get a coke on his own.  Self-service can be part of marriage, but it has rules.  First, it CANNOT take place without the other spouse’s awareness and whole-hearted consent.  Neither you nor your husband should masturbate alone without clear and willing consent and agreement.   Second, if there is such a need or agreement, it should only occur for good reason – something other than not having to be bothered.  Neither of you are released from God’s command in this area.  The only acceptable thing would be physical limitations, severe emotional damage, seasons of life, etc.  Even then, healing should be sought wherever possible and intimacy in all other ways should ALWAYS be maintained.

TO YOU BOTH:  Communicate about these things.  Wives, walk up to your husband and grab him.  Look him in the eyes and ask if he could use a tall glass of coke.  Or, walk up to him, put your hand on his coke bottle, and ask if he needs you to shake it up really good and then open the top.  Husbands, stop and consider what she is asking you.  Be honest.  If you want your pop-top flipped, then go for it. Or, ask her if she is preparing one for just you or if she is having one as well.  Let her respond honestly, without pressure/guilt.  She may say, “Not right now, but maybe later” or “I’ll gladly share a glass of water with you, but not a coke right now,” etc.  At this point, husbands, you have a choice.  Tell her that you’re thirsty right then.  Or, tell her that you can wait.  Or, tell her that you would like a coke now and then would like to have one again with her later that day.

The point is to TALK.  Express YOUR desires and let your spouse meet them.  Also, hear your spouse’s expressed desires and freely meet them.  The thing you MUST do is stop trying to demand what your spouse should desire.  More about that at another time.

There are undoubtedly a few couples that have an entirely different struggle than the one I am dealing with here. Some may feel grieved that their wife/husband NEVER wants a coke.  They may be willing to happily provide or share one, but their spouse doesn’t respond.  There are also some who say that they are the spouse that is uninterested in a coke at all.  Again, they may not mind preparing a coke, but they are just not interested themselves.  These are real issues.  If this is happening, it indicates that something is physically, emotionally, or spiritually out of whack.  Or, it indicates that something has happened between you (or maybe in your past) to cause coke, water, or any beverages to lose their appeal.  Mike and I hope to try to deal with these subjects over time.

I know that this is a big item, and that I have given you both to a lot to think about.  Talk it through and believe God to bring you both to a deeper, more intimate place.

On the day you read this, why don’t you both have a Coke and a smile?

Stay Frisky,

Pc/pm

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4 thoughts on “Me Not Always So Horny, but Me Love You All the Time (Rating: SEXUAL)

  1. Pingback: The Power of Married Masturbation « Great Married Life

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  3. A question, continuing with your Coke analogy:

    A couple are both in their early 60s. Neither of them gets thirsty any more. The husband, even though he no longer gets thirsty, still really enjoys an ice-filled glass of Coke now and then. The wife is willing to share a can of Coke with him occasionally, just to be “sociable”, but she will drink her half no more than once a week, and then only if it’s sugar-free, caffeine-free, and room temperature, which the husband finds flavorless, tepid, and unappealing. Since neither spouse is thirsty and neither really enjoys the Coke under the conditions in which they drink it, why continue?

    Like

    • Good good question…

      1. I would say that everyone is different and every couple has to customize their own intimate relationship. If you BOTH agree, then stay with Coke Zero and enjoy each other in ways that are the most fulfilling to you.

      2. That being said, it may be important to discover whyneither of you are no longer thirsty. Are there deeper issues? Are their hormonal or physiological issues? Are both parties being honest about their desire? Are other things closing out even the desire for the desire? We make no judgements, nor do we have all the answers, but GML has MANY members well into their sixties (even seventies) that are steady coke drinkers. This is not a bad reflection on you at all, only to say that though all couples are free to tailor make their own sexual relationship, desire does not universally disappear in a couple’s early sixties.

      3. Be the lover that each other desires. Don’t settle. If your husband would enjoy some fizzy, double cafeinated lovin’, seek a way to provide it for him…and like wise him for you. There are many resources available for hormonal-, perfomance-, and pleasure-related issues. Find what works for you BOTH and keep going. There must be some interest somewhere by someone about desire in some form…otherwise, you wouldn’t be on an internet sex site.

      4. If Coke never works its way back into your marriage, be sure to keep your smile anyway. Keep the love and honor flowing no matter what.

      -GML

      Like

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