IF YOU HAVE NOT READ TIP #1, THEN THIS WON’T HELP YOU. It is on the Group page somewhere. We encourage you to search it out. If you’re ready for TIP #2, then read on.
One of the things that this fallen world has “blessed” us with is sexual expectations that we bring into our marriage bed. We have picked up things from friends, movies (even non-pornographic ones), books, magazines, TV, etc. that give us an idea of how real passion occurs or is expressed. As married people, we can think that we can force passion into our marriages by adding some of these external elements. We almost end up “playing House” like grown ups because we believe that if the “passion-adults” act this way when they seem so excited, then we should too. According to what they show us, not only should we be turned on by these things, but also that they are the things that we should do when we are turned on. Consider the following true (though embarrassing) story:
Connie and I had been married for only a week or so. We were on our honeymoon, which we were both enjoying very much. Sensing that the time was winding down and feeling the pressure to make our honeymoon the dynamic sexual festival that it was expected to be, we both begin to rev up the passion (so we thought). We had already had a wonderful “Christian” honeymoon – full of prayer on our wedding night and an invitation to the Holy Spirit to be part of our married sex life. This is very important to us, as we want Him to be central to every aspect of our lives. We had also enjoyed a wonderful “Romantic” honeymoon – full of flowers and cards and staring into each others eyes as the sun set over the 7 hills of Roma. This is also very important because our love was so strong. We were now ready for something more. We wanted to experience a “Sexual” honeymoon – nothing cute or lovely; just raw passion.
As we sensed that we both wanted to take things in that direction, we began to adjust our play to a somewhat naughtier level. Comments about beautiful and handsome were flipped to comments about hot and, well, hot. The tension kept building. We were at dinner. We could feel that we both wanted each other in the most “carnal” way. A touch under the table. A flash of skin. A well-placed hand to reveal the excitement. All of these were getting us to the place where we could barely contain ourselves. We had to go. We had to find a place. We had to find it quick.
We paid the bill and headed up to the room. We were groping and grabbing the entire way. When we got in the room, we slammed the door. Clothes are being torn off and tossed like we were searching for that favorite shirt at the bottom of the laundry basket. Our natural passions had taken off like wild horses, and we were now cutting the reins from the chariot. And, then it happened. Without discussing it, each of us had the idea at the exact same time: let’s improve on this by adding some spice…
[Cue Love Scene]…ACTION!
Young Mike: I want you so bad (breathing)
Young Connie: Oh yeah (panting).
Young Mike: I want to give it to you right now (breathing hard through nostrils and grit teeth)
Young Connie: Come on (angrily). I want your big. …hard…
Young Mike: (interrupting by laughing out loud) What?
Young Connie: (laughing covering mouth) What (embarrassed)? I was saying that I want your –
Young Mike: (interrupting). I know what you were saying, but its funny to me.
Young Connie: I’m funny?!? You’re the one with all of the (deep mocking voice) “Oh baby, let me give it to you good” stuff. I was just playing along with you.
Both of us now laughing and heading to bedroom.
This story really is true and the discussions and happiness it has brought us over the nearly nine years since that time has been wonderful. The truth of what happened was that we were doing very well simply following our own, God-implanted desires and impulses. If we had just followed those to wherever they led, we would have both been wonderfully blessed. Instead, however, we aborted the natural flow of our desire to introduce something that we had heard or seen before. Who knows where or how long ago, but we had both picked up something along the way that said that such talk not only makes sex sexier, but if you are really aroused, it will be evidenced by this type of talk.
This simple truth (given in the above paragraph) applies to a lot of things that couples wrestle with. As you explore and discuss this with your spouse, you need to ask God to show you where else it applies. Where else do we feel the need to PLAY a role given to us by outside forces, or even worse, to DEMAND a role given to our spouse by outside forces?
Connie and I are not people that use that kind of language. I don’t know why I felt that the idea of me “giving it to her” was a masculine thing to say. I am sure that she doesn’t know why she thought that expressing her desire for my “big, hard…” was the proper line for that moment. I do know that we absorbed that from somewhere other than each other. The key is that it was not genuine, and therefore, the passion was not either.
I know that there are many that would argue with me on this point. I know that there are a great many people that have come to merge what is arousing and what is vulgar into one. This is not just in language. It can be in style, tone, anger, dress, etc. In essence, it is how we keep pornography alive in our hearts and minds. We bring others in by carrying our roles of passion that we have seen demonstrated before. This is sad because I am convinced that whatever you are sharing in your married sex that is not genuine is NEVER going to be sexually fulfilling.
Pornography promises more than sex can deliver. Connie and I were doing fine on our own heavenly supply of sexual desire. It was outside images (in soft or hard core form) that tricked us into believing that what God had supplied could be topped. It can’t. If you want real passion, it should come from you both as YOU REALLY are, not as you think you are supposed to be.
With this in mind, let’s cover a few areas…
A. Bedroom talk.
Connie and I are not clinical when we are in the bedroom. We don’t deal in terms of “penis,” “vagina,” and “breasts.” We have three sets of reference systems.
1. The first is clinical names for parts. We use these words to teach the kids about their bodies and to describe whatever may need to be explained to our MD’s.
2. Second, we use playful names for parts. These are used to refer to the other “people” in our marriage. Over time, our pieces have not only acquired names, but also personalities (moods, feelings, etc). We won’t tell you about ours and we do not want to know about yours. I actually had a member to send us an email about the name for her husband’s penis. Connie and I had trouble getting that out of our minds. Please keep it to yourself. It is a special part of being married.
3. Third, we use passionate names for parts. We do not use playful names during times of passion. This is a fine line, because we are passionate and abandoned, but we also respect each other and God. We won’t try to give you a list of words that we feel do or don’t work. We don’t want to try to prescribe for you the same boundaries that we have drawn for us. That being said, there are some lines that I would like for you to consider.
We don’t use “profanity.” That does not mean that all the words that we use can necessarily be used in polite company. Let’s be honest, there are not even too many settings that you can even use the clinical names, let alone anything else. With that in mind, we never “have intercourse” and we NEVER “f—k,” but we might “screw.” I never grab Connie’s ”posterior,” and I NEVER grab her “a—,” but I may grab her “butt.”
We never use degrading terms either. We have developed our own dictionary that we BOTH can live with. We have talked about it apart from love making so that we would not say anything distracting during lovemaking. To some women, there are certain words that they cannot endure – for whatever reason (legitimate or otherwise). This goes for men too. You have to find a compromise. You don’t want to be too kid-like and not respect the very adult things that you are doing. “Pee Pee,” for instance, may be too soft of a term. At the same time, “D—k” may be too brash.
This is a big subject that we will cover more. For now, let me just say that whatever a wife cannot legitimately wear and embrace and feel sexy in should not be forced. I need to qualify that statement because I know that people will use it to shut down anything that they are not comfortable with. This is not good either. Guys, you want your wife to be turned on while she is wearing what she is wearing. If she is not aroused or turned on, then what she is doing is not genuine, and therefore, NOT REALLY HER. The question becomes “Who are you wanting to pretend that she is?” This violates exclusivity.
Women, not all lingerie is “trashy.” Even the stuff that looks kind of on the edge can be acceptable and exciting. I would not recommend anything that resembles bondage, etc. (which we will talk about on other posts), but there is a lot that is good for the right reason. What you want is something that accentuates what your husband wants to see about YOU. High heels, see-through lace, breast lifting tops, crotchless panties, etc. can all have their place, IF the goal is to put your parts in a package that increases the focus, visibility, and accessibility for your husband. The argument is “why is lingerie needed? Isn’t just plain nude the best way to see things?” This is a very valid point. The place you are trying to reach as a couple is where outfits, etc. are only additions and decorations upon a body that BY ITSELF is sufficient. The danger is not to be found in adding such items to your sexual repertoire. The danger is when you or your husband feels that you are incomplete/not fully aroused without it.
C. Noises and Voices
One final area of this is communication before, during, and after sex. Again, there is a temptation to feel pressure to force the issue here. Sexual speech and sounds are a turn on, but they don’t need to taken to a place where they are no longer genuine. I think that there are different things that work for different people. You may need to consider some form of level system, and see where you and your spouse fall.
Mild – Him/Her: “I am so turned on right now. You have no idea.”
Medium – Him: “I am so hard.”
Her: “I am getting so hot/moist.”
Spicy: Him: “I am about to burst. My c—k is pushing through my jeans.”
Her: “I am getting so wet. I can feel it in my panties.”
The medium and the spicy may seem like they are on the edge. I understand. It was difficult to write, let alone say. To some, even the Mild is too much. To others, even the Spicy is nothing. Consider the following post on FB. It came from a woman that made a comment about how much she loved her husband and how glad she was to have him in her life. I, being a fan of loving and affectionate couples that I am, simply clicked the “Like” button. A few minutes later, this was in my email:
“I just shaved my tiny little c–t if you wanna come feast in your garden.”
My mouth dropped. I quickly realized (as did she) that this was not supposed to go to anyone but her husband. She deleted it before it went too long. She also posted an “I apologize. I’m new.” message. Now, I don’t judge her and neither should you. If they read this, none of us needs to know that it was them. They are married and it is their business. I write it not for you to condemn, but just to know that there are different levels of talk. My counsel to this couple would be the same that I would have for you: What is the source of your vocabulary and motivation? If it comes from the darkness, let it go.
A word here about noise and sound during sex. Expressing feelings can be good. It is not only a turn-on for the hearer, but also for the talker… but ONLY if they are genuine. What your lover wants is to hear that you are responding to what you feel. When he or she encourages you to speak, moan, or scream, the request is for genuineness – not exaggeration. If you feel like moaning or yelling, then do it, but not to a point where it is not what you feel in yourself. A real lover will sense when you are just putting-on. This will not bring him or her comfort. It will only serve to communicate that you are having to drum up a feeling that is not really there.
Words during sex are POWERFUL. Use words like yes, right there, harder, faster, up, down, grab my breasts/tits/nipples, oh yeah, ahhhh, ugggg, ooooh, and even calling on the Lord (not in a blasphemous way, but in truth) can be a vital part of the experience. Be careful, however, for the temptation to become degrading or to need to be degraded. Requests and pleas are ideal. Some gentle demands have their place, but not at the cost of your own or your partners dignity. Don’t simulate rape or force (not even in your own mind). That is NOT what the marriage bed is designed for.
Genuineness is a big issue. What a spouse wants (and what is most erotic) is to feel that their partner is in the moment with them. They don’t want to feel that when you feel that they are someone other than themselves that it turns you on. They also want to feel that they are bringing you genuine, unfeigned pleasure. To me, the dirty-talking Connie in Rome is not nearly as big of a turn-on to me as the Connie that I know. The pastor, the home school mom, the girl on the softball team, etc. is the big turn-on. The fact that THAT lady desires me and shares with me and for me the way she does is enough. Every other woman is beyond the boundary of God’s approval for my body or mind. So, I am not asking her to be anything but her. And, when she is in the moment and embracing her sexuality as Connie and targeting that energy towards me as Michael, then we have some real passion.
More on these important subjects soon.