Exercise One: SOLO FLIGHT WITH A WINGMAN/WINGWOMAN
Read “The Power of Married Masturbation” first.
Before you begin, make sure that you have adequate time to fully complete the exercise. It can take 30 minutes or longer. This is not a “quickie” right after the 11:00PM news. This is an exercise of intimacy. You will need the time to invest in yourself and each other. If you have kids, make sure that they are gone out of the house or down for the night. Nighttime or a weekend is the ideal time for this, as you will not want to do it right before you have to be somewhere/leave the house. If needed, get into your room and lock the door. Your journey is about to begin.
1. Get cleaned up. During this exercise, you and your spouse will be exploring your own bodies. You will be touching, pulling, rubbing, probing, etc. You will want to take some time to get cleaned up so that you can feel your best while you are doing it. Take a shower together and get scrubbed really clean.
If you feel that you are comfortable with the idea, wash each other’s bodies. Do all of the parts head to toe. Don’t skip the juicy bits. Don’t skip the ugly ones. For some, this will present a challenge and an opportunity for discussion. As you wash, check your comfort level, and consider the following…
Do you feel awkward about your lover washing you in every place? Do you feel awkward about your lover watching you wash every place? Do you detect a sense of privacy or shame? Do you feel that having your lover watch or participate is somehow invading your privacy? Does it feel weird that God would watch you clean yourself? Do you expect that He turns His head while you scrub certain parts? Or, do you feel that He is okay with all of your parts? As lovers, can you be as vulnerable before each other as you are before God? If not, explore and discuss your feelings.
ONE MAJOR NOTE…this shower together is NOT the exercise. It is preparation for the exercise. Try to refrain from taking it too far. You may get aroused during this process. Husbands, you may notice that your wife’s vagina is moist, full, and slightly open. This is understandable and okay. Wives, you may notice that your husband is erect (or partially so). This is okay too. What is important is that the washing that you are doing is designed to create intimacy and to help you get squeaky clean. It is NOT designed to send you down your orgasmic trail. Resist the urge to do so.
A couple of more thoughts about this shower: First, know that you will be touching each other in very sensitive ways. Be mindful of your hands and fingernails. Also, be mindful of soaps on sensitive parts. If you need to break away to rinse, do so. No one needs soap burns before we begin our trip. Finally (and sorry to have to say this), I want you to make sure that you wash your backside really good during this shower. You may or may not be comfortable enough with your partner washing you there (or vice versa). For some, this is a VERY difficult road to go down mentally, and even more so to carry out. Some couples may not know or trust each other to this level of vulnerability. You may not, and that is okay. It is a very intimate and vulnerable thing to do. It is not, however, required for this exercise. On the other hand, if you feel comfortable with washing/being washed in this area, go for it. Many couples touch each other sexually in these places already, so to them it is not that big of a deal. God placed a lot of pleasurable nerve endings around these areas. For the purpose of this shower, however, this form of touch should not be sexual.
In EITHER case, make sure that you are clean “back there.” I know that we have heard from many couples that this is a problem in their union. I am convinced that many people are never properly taught how to groom themselves. When you wash your body, you need to get everything. Don’t be afraid to clean your backside thoroughly. As crass as this sounds, make sure you go around your anus (bottom hole) really good. Don’t just scrub up and down the line between your cheeks. Get clean. This is a daily need for men and women, not just for when you are reading Great Married Life. We will discuss more on hygiene in future posts.
If you haven’t entirely lost your sense of adventure and arousal by that last graphic (but very necessary) paragraph, please proceed to step two.
2. Once you are clean and dried off, hop up into your bed COMPLETELY naked. Wives, sit with your back toward the headboard. Husbands, sit with your back towards the footboard. You will both want pillows to support you. You will also want to have some lubricant close by for you to reach when it is needed. Because you will not be having intercourse, water or oil-based lubricants are both fine for this. Also, avoid any oils/lubricants with flavors or warming sensations. You are looking for ease of movement and nothing more.
As you lay in the bed, make sure that you are positioned far enough apart to spread your legs slightly to get good access to your genitals. You want to be far enough apart that you can freely explore, but also close enough together that you could reach out and touch your partner’s leg if you wanted to.
The lights can be dimmed if desired, but they need to be ON. You want to be able to see what is happening. This is an exercise for the naked and unashamed. This is not the time to be self-conscious. You will also want to make sure that the room temperature is comfortable enough to be naked and uncovered.
By this time, there is a chance that you will both be even more aroused. If you are walking through this exercise in your mind with your spouse already, there is a good chance that you are already turned on. That is a good thing, but remember, you need to follow this out to the end. Don’t just throw out the article and “go for it” with each other. There is a purpose for what you are doing.
3. Now, we begin our exploration. Both of you should lie back into a semi-reclined position. You should be able to see each other clearly. Your head is next to your partner’s feet. From here, you can begin to follow the guide below to explore your entire body with your own hands. This part of the exercise should take about 15 minutes. You want it to last at least that long.
It is VERY IMPORTANT that you keep your mind engaged throughout this exercise. You do not want it to wander off. Don’t think of “sexual” things. Don’t think of your partner next to you. Keep your mind on the connection of your body parts with your hands. Think of the actual feeling of what your hands are doing. How do they feel as they touch each part? How does each part feel as it is touched? Keeping your mind engaged in the actual sensations of the touch is known as “sensate focus.” We will deal with this a lot in Great Married Life.
Don’t be self-conscious about doing this. Remember, you two are alone. If you cannot do this exercise in front of your spouse, whom can you do it in front of? You should be with the one person in the world that can see you this way. Accept, embrace, and bask in this truth. During this exercise, there is the possibility that you may experience an orgasm before you are finished. If you climax, that is fine, but don’t force/pursue it. We will let you take yourself over the edge once the exercise is done. There is no need to rush right to it.
Now that you are comfortably in bed and ready, you can read the following instructions with your partner. Husbands begin first and read the “Wives” instructions aloud to her. Read them all the way through. Then, when you are finished, wives read the “Husbands” instructions aloud to him. Read them all the way through. During the exercise, it may be a good idea if you have these instructions printed out. Sometimes, you can refer to them to communicate the next step to each other and help affirm one another as you go through this process. (This repeating may not be necessary.) These exercises will be done SIMULTANEOUSLY. You can feel free to glance over at each other and to verbally affirm each other, but you are not supposed to be using the image of what your spouse is doing to help you “crank your engines.” You are sharing this exercise with your spouse, but you are definitely doing the work alone.
Begin with your head, neck, and face. Touch your face, ears, neck, etc. with the tips of your fingers. As you touch each place, pay attention to what feels good to you. If there is something that’s particularly nice, feel free to continue or repeat it.
After you have taken some time to cover your head, neck, and face, you are ready to move further down your body. Now begin to move your hands and fingers across your chest, shoulders, and arms. What feels good? Try both soft and firm touches.
Now, you are ready to move to your breasts. Feel them with your hands. Start with one hand over each breast. Feel them on top, underneath, on the side, etc. Keep your hands and your breasts in your mind’s eye. Don’t let your thoughts wander. Try different movements. Push them in towards each other. Pull them apart out to the sides. Try gently to bring them up towards your neck. Try pushing them down. Trace your areolas and nipples with your fingers. Pull on your nipples. Push them in. Pull them up towards your head. Push them down towards your feet. What feels good? Pinch them gently. Roll them in between your index fingers and thumbs. What is the sensation? You will also want to try to touch each breast with two hands at one time. Hold it with one hand and caress it with the other. Remember, you are thinking about YOU doing this, not your partner. Be in tune with your own body.
After you have explored your breasts, move down your torso. Touch your ribs, stomach, thighs, legs, knees, etc. If you are able to reach your feet, caress them as well. Use light touch and massaging actions. Find what feels good to you. You are pampering yourself and totally giving yourself the best touch massage you have ever had.
Keep your mind where your hands are. Yes, your spouse is watching, but he has stuff that he is working on too. Don’t think about the eroticism of him watching you (that is for a future exercise). Think instead of YOU touching YOU. Give yourself the BEST.
Now, it is time to explore your most private areas. If you want to pause and get some lubricant to place on your hands, please feel free to do so. There is a chance that you may be sufficiently lubricated at this point, but there is nothing wrong with using as much additional lubrication as you desire. Again, the goal is ease of motion.
As you venture into this phase of the exploration, keep in mind that you are NOT yet masturbating; you are exploring. This is a time for you to explore the entire area. Feel each part with your hands. Keep your mind focused on what your hands are doing and how it feels when it is done. Begin by running your hands through your pubic hair. How does it feel? Stroke it. Run your fingers through it. If you have a lot of hair, twirl it in your fingers. Feel its texture.
Now, proceed to your vagina. Slowly run your fingers up and down your outer vaginal lips. Go up and down the lines with your fingers. What is their temperature? Texture? Pinch them gently. Pull them. Press them together. What do you feel? Feel free to spread them open with your fingers. How does it feel to have them open? As you continue, work your way down towards your perineum (the area between your vagina and anus). Rub your fingers around this area. Note the sensations.
Now, move to your inner lips and opening. Caress each part tenderly. Run your fingers around this area. Use both hands. Again, pull your vagina open gently. Use your fingers to circle around it, pulling it open ever so slightly. Keep your mind focused right there. Now move upward and locate your clitoris. Rub the top of it with the tip of your fingers. Circle it. Squeeze it gently. Put pressure on it from underneath to bring it upwards towards your abdomen. Put pressure on it from above to push is downwards towards your vaginal opening. What is its size in your hand? It is hard or soft? What feels good? What feels great?
You are now ready to penetrate your vaginal opening with one of your fingers. Insert a finger as far as you are comfortable. Move it around, in and out. What direction of hand movements feels good? Feel free to use two fingers now. Try one from each hand. Try two from the same hand. If you are able, reach inside and see if you can locate the “g-spot” on the upper inside “ceiling” (right behind your pubic bone). You can locate it by inserting a finger into your vagina up to approximately the second knuckle. Begin to move your inserted finger a “come hither” motion. Feel around until you locate a raised area that seems to be a rigid/rough spot in the midst of otherwise smooth tissue. Put pressure on it. Does it feel good? Keep your mind focused on your fingers inside your vagina. What do you like?
Continue to explore these areas until you have reached the 15-minute mark.
You will want to follow a similar pattern as your wives. It may seem un-manly to touch your face, head, and neck, etc., but you should at least make the effort. If it seems like too much to touch yourself in places other than your genitals, let me offer you some suggestions to help you over the hurdle.
As you touch your head, neck, and shoulders, don’t begin with light touch. Instead, think of it as if you had a headache or sinus pressure. Rub your temples and forehead like you are trying to soothe pain. Do the same with your neck. How would you rub your neck or shoulders if you had a pinched nerve or pulled muscle? Use that same motion/pressure here. When you get to your chest, use the same mindset. Think of rubbing your pectoral muscles a day or two after intense chest workouts. Continue this pattern on every area that your wife has followed. The goal here is not only to relax you, but to also get you to sense what sensations feel the best.
Once you have covered all of your non-sexual parts, you are ready to move to your genitals. If possible, you should arrive at this place together as a couple, meaning that you may have to slow down a bit and concentrate on other areas so that you can explore your penis, etc. at the same time that she is tending to her vagina.
If you want to get some oil/lubricant at this point, feel free to do so. When you are ready, begin to slowly run your hands over your penis. If you have an erection, that is fine, but remember, this is not the point of this exercise. You are not masturbating “yet” so don’t use that type of stroke/motion.
As you explore, pay attention to the sensations that you are getting. Touch the base of the shaft. Run your hand up to the tip. Circle around the head of your penis with your fingers. Be sure to give particular attention to the underside of the head and shaft. Note the temperature and musculature. What feels good? What feels great? Alternate the direction of your strokes, even the “grip.” Try it with just your fingertips. Try it with two hands. Keep your mind engaged on the sensations. Don’t get distracted by your wife. Stay focused on you.
Be sure to explore your scrotum as well. Grab your testes gently in your hands. Note their size and shape. Vary the pressure. Note the point at which there is discomfort. Explore the underside of your scrotum, including the perineum area between your scrotum and anus. There is a tiny, pea-sized area there that is a sexual pressure point. It can be stimulated by targeted pressure that indirectly massages the prostate gland – a key player in sexual release and pleasure. Continue to explore your genital area until the 15-minutes have expired.
Once you both have explored your own bodies and made note of the sensations that you felt, you may find that you are sufficiently aroused. If you have done this exercise for a minimum of 15 minutes, and you desire to now conclude with an orgasm, go ahead and do so. For the purpose of this exercise, it is a good idea for you and your spouse to masturbate yourself to a climax. It is possible that you may be so turned on that you will be tempted to begin intercourse or some other sexual activity. If at all possible, resist this urge.
To finish with an orgasm (if you so desire), let the wife begin first. It is now acceptable to turn your attention towards your partner and respond sexually to what you are seeing and hearing. Husbands, let your wife take the lead and pursue her orgasm. Feel free to reach out and touch her leg/thigh while she stimulates herself. You may also begin to stroke and touch your penis slowly at this time. Affirm her with your words and/or sounds of pleasure. Let her know that watching her turns you on.
Wives, feel free to let yourself go at this point. Look at your husband if you desire, taking pleasure in his viewing of you or in his body, erect penis, and self-pleasure. Follow your pleasure and sensations. If you desire, close your eyes and focus. Bring yourself to an exciting conclusion.
Husbands, when your wife has reached her orgasm/s, this is your cue to complete your own release. If you desire to look at your wife’s body, do so. Or, if you prefer to close your eyes and replay the images of her self-pleasure that you have just seen, that is acceptable as well. Relax and follow the sensations freely. You are alone in the garden with the one person that you should never feel self-conscious with. Wives, while your husband is finishing pursuing his orgasm, feel free to place a hand on his leg/body. Affirm him with words or moans that give your endorsement to what he is doing.
Husbands, when you climax, do so without reservation. As you ejaculate, let it be totally free. Get lost in the sensation. There is no problem with the minor clean up that may be required afterwards.
After the husband has climaxed, take a minute to clean up the ejaculate (wives can help). Once things are arranged, get close to each other in a naked embrace. Hold each other. Listen to each other’s breathing. Kiss softly and affirm. You have just shared a VERY personal and intimate experience. Bask in it together.
The best part about this exercise and all of the other Married Masturbation Exercises is the discussions that they will foster. The “debrief” is the most important part. Over the next hours and days share with each other what you felt/feel. Repeat this exercise as often as you like. Make new discoveries and talk about them in great detail. You are getting in touch with your own bodies and desires. This will continue to prove to be a vital asset throughout your married sex life. When and if you feel you are ready, you can move on to Married Masturbation Exercise Two.