The Power of Married Masturbation


Now that we have taken the time to discover and discuss “The Boundaries of Sexual Eden,” we are ready to move to the subject of Exploration.  In this context, Exploration refers to venturing out and finding sexual discoveries WITHIN the walls of the garden. We are alone.  We are naked.  We are not ashamed.  We have eliminated “others” in any form.  We understand our roles as a sexual servant to our spouse.  We give weight to each other with mutual respect and dignity.  We are demonstrating love.  All of these actions have assured us that we our safely inside the boundaries.  What, then, shall we do now?

The starting place of our sexual exploration is, surprisingly, an area that you would think would be more appropriate for someone without a lover.  In fact, when we think of masturbation, we often think that it is a single person’s issue/concern.  We typically think of being married as being in a place where masturbation is a thing of our past (if it was ever even there at all).  To a point, this is correct.  Masturbation for single people must be approached in an entirely different light than it is when we are discussing it for a married couple.  Because Great Married Life is for couples, I will not spend time on the single person’s perspective on this issue.  That will have to wait for another avenue of ministry.  For now, I want to speak of how it can and should be affecting your marriage bed.

Typically, our sexual relationship with our spouse begins on our honeymoon.  For the purpose of this article, we will not discuss what took place before our wedding night (whether with others or even each other).  To discuss others (which we will at a different time) is an issue of Exclusivity.  To discuss what you did with each other before you were married (or even before you were a married Christian) has no relevance in Sexual Eden.  We are dealing with this subject from God’s perspective.  What has occurred outside the garden doesn’t concern us here and now.  This is not to say that what occurred outside of the garden (past lovers, molestation, our own pre-marital or pre-Christ sexual relationship with each other) is not affecting us.  It very well may be.  What I am saying is that NOW that we are within the boundaries of the garden, we must begin our Exploration in some place.  We have chosen to begin our journey with the subject of this article.

The good thing about our “in-Christ” honeymoon is that it is honest and pure.  Some reading this article may have never had one.  We are hoping that through these teachings, you will set aside time to have one some day.  It is worth it, but you need to have the right blocks to build with before you go.  One of the most awesome and merciful things about the revelation of God to man is His ability to redeem time.  He promises to restore the years eaten by the caterpillar, the locust, and the palmerworm.  Courts, Doctors, Psychologists, etc. can give you back much that has been lost, but only God can give you back time.  This is most valuable to us as eternal beings living in earthly bodies.  Our time is short.  Much of it we have used foolishly.  The idea of having it restored is most exciting to those of us who have wasted a lot of it.

When we get married, some good things happen to us that start out as a blessing, but can turn into a “curse” later on down the line.  When we are on our honeymoon, we do a combination of what “comes naturally” and what we learned along the way.  Books, movies, friends, parents, pornography, etc. all give us bits and pieces of a blueprint to use for the first few weeks and months of marriage.  We make due.  Because it is new and naked, there is really no such thing as “bad” honeymoon sex unless you have brought others along in your mind.  Yes, there are issues of comfort and anxiety to work through.  Then there is also exhaustion (from the weeks leading up to the wedding, etc).  Finally, there is the simple fact that you are just learning each other.  You won’t know enough at that time to make your Married Sex Life what it can and should be.  Again, I know that many were already having sex before their honeymoons.  Please know that I am speaking from the Eden perspective so try to adjust your experience to fit within that context.

Very few Christian people report that their honeymoon was a dynamic sexual celebration.  As Christians, we don’t “party.”  We don’t drink.  We don’t use porn or drugs.  Many couples find that when it is just two lovers and their own bodies, it can be difficult to find the “sexual ecstasy” that they think they will.  For some reason, it can seem like the sex just didn’t deliver all that it promised to.  For many lovers, this is a problem that will plague them for the rest of their marriages.  They are just never able to get “there” in the bedroom, whatever their definition of “there” may be.  The best news about your honeymoon (and the first year+ of married sex) is that it should be the WORST sex of your married life.

Most of us had some previous sexual exposure before marriage (in practice, image, etc.).  Once we find ourselves married (in Christ), we may find several unhealthy options await us in our newly married sex life.  First, we can make the mistake of trying to drag the past/outside stuff in.  Second, we can offer a misguided attempt to bump up the passion by adding some spices grown outside the garden.  Finally, we can use our imaginations in unbiblical ways to amplify the sensations that we are receiving.  In many marriages, it is tempting to use our minds to convert “the sensations that we ARE experiencing” into “the sensations that we EXPECTED to be experiencing.”  Almost universally, however, many couples find it difficult to live up to that much expectation and anticipation.  In fact, like most things in life that we suppose to be the “ultimate,” there is something about honeymoon/first-year sex that can leave us with a small question mark when it doesn’t deliver all that we had built ourselves up to expect.  Let me say here that this is the problem with sex in our society in general; we expect it to give more than it has to offer.

I can hear many of you saying, “Okay, PM/PC, you guys have missed it here.  Our honeymoon was awesome.  The sex was incredible.”  I hear you.  I can honestly say that ours was awesome too.  We had a GOOOOD time with each other.  We “did it” in every place and in every way you could find to do… and in four different countries.  I am not saying that honeymoons are not good.  They can be and they should be.  What I am saying is that they should not be the BEST sex of your married life.  If you peaked sexually as a couple in the first year of your marriage, I feel sad for you.  I hate to think of my best sexual days with my wife as being days that are in my past.  Connie and I are going on nine years of marriage.  Sex is WAY better in 2010 than it ever was in 2001.  We are still learning more about each other and ourselves.  We are better friends than we have ever been.  We trust each other more than we ever have.  We give ourselves over to each other in ways we never have.   We are almost a decade in and we are still finding areas of the garden that we have yet to experience.  What’s more, the places that we are revisiting (or even the ones that we frequent often) are richer and “more lush” as each year goes by.  This has taken MUCH discussion and mind renewal.  We are so glad for the work of God’s Spirit and Word in our lives.

You may be reading this and saying, “Higher heights decade by decade?  How long do you think that THAT is going to last?”  Let me just answer that with this little story.  Many years ago, Brother Kenneth Hagin said to a pastor friend of mine the following statement: “Oretha and I have been married for over 50 years, and the sex is better now than it has ever been.”  When I heard that story, I locked in on it.  God is not a respecter of persons.  What He is willing to do for one couple, He will do for any other that will have the faith and obedience to see it come to pass.  Ever since then, Connie and I have believed for an even greater measure of glory in our sexual relationship as the years go by

When the blessing of honeymoon/first-year sex turns into a curse is when we have already reached our sexual pinnacle as a couple.  This leaves us yearning for days that have gone by.  This ought not to be.  As husband and wife, our relationship ought to be getting gooder and gooder, and the sex should too.  Part of the problem is that we can easily get into a rut with sex; it becomes mundane.  We may often find that we have simply stayed with what has worked.  This is okay, but we can miss out on so much when we just stick with what we know.

I liken the Exploration of Great Married Sex to going to Walt Disney World.  The first time we go, we are so overwhelmed with all there is to see.  We can go from dawn until dusk and not see everything.  I have been nearly 100 times and have still not seen it all.  It was just last year that I saw “The Hall of Presidents” for the first time.  How could I have missed one of the oldest and most popular attractions over the last 30 years?  Simple.  I just went with what I already was familiar with.  I always do Space Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc.  I have been on those 100’s of times.  It wasn’t until the day I sat down, pulled out a map, and looked to see the places that I hadn’t been yet that I started to see the things that I have missed.  I enjoy them too now.  And I am glad that I broke from my routine enough to search them out.

Sexual Eden is the ULTIMATE fun park.  You must make a decision to ride everything (pun intended).  Don’t get stuck on the three or four things that you like.  Explore the whole park…with your spouse.  It matters not that you experienced different parts of the park before you two were together.  It doesn’t matter that you already journeyed with someone else and found your preferences (likes and dislikes).  Those others have no place here.  You are in Sexual Eden now.  Don’t let the others rob you of the Exclusive Exploration that awaits you with your CURRENT and FOREVER lover.

A NEW DAY IS AT HAND (pun intended)

Married Masturbation is the ideal place to begin your new journey together.  To some, this may be off-putting, but I encourage you to read through to the end before you make a final decision.  As Christians, I know that the immediate question becomes one of biblical acceptability.  “(1)Can we?  (2) Should we?  (3)Why?”  My answers are (1) yes, (2) yes, and (3) because it will help you.  Masturbation (when explored as a couple) can serve two important purposes.  First, it can introduce you to/reconnect you with your sexual impulses and desires.  Secondly, it can give you entrance into one of the most important entitlements of Great Married Sex: the RIGHT to PURSUE YOUR sexual pleasure with your spouse.  If for no other reasons than these, the Married Masturbation exercises that we are proposing should be considered as viable.

Connie and I know of so many couples that are in “park” when it comes to the area of THEIR married pleasure.  Many have been fulfilled sexually at an earlier time in their marriage, but have lagged in recent months/years.  Married Masturbation can not only help kick start some of those dormant desires, but also help you fine-tune them.  You may not be aroused or fulfilled at age 45 the same way that you were at age 25.  This is a common issue that can be addressed through these ever-advancing assignments that we want you to try.

Let me say this (and we speak from our experience as Pastors), there are just too many women in Christian marriages that are not climaxing/experiencing orgasms as often as they would like to.  Some don’t even know for sure that they are “orgasmic” or have ever even experienced an orgasm.  Furthermore, even some of those who are experiencing routine orgasms are unaware of the depth and power of their God-given ability to experience sexual release.  This is unfortunate.  Consider this true example taken from a Christian book/author that we respect, The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Ethridge.  The following is a letter to the author from a wife about a fascinating self-discovery.  Her name is Cindy.

“I first heard the word orgasm when I was in high school, but no one ever really explained it, and I was too embarrassed to ask.  I pretended to know all about it.  From what I could tell from the movies, it involved some moaning and groaning, and sinking of fingernails into the flesh of your partner’s back.

Then I got married, and on our honeymoon night, I moaned, and I groaned, and I sank my nails into my husband’s back thinking that this would enhance the experience.  It must have enhanced it for him, because within seconds, he was coming inside me.  Then he rolled over and we were done.  I was too naïve to know what I was missing, so I figured that’s as good as it gets.

Fast-forward thirteen years and three children later.  My husband brings home a gag gift from a white elephant Christmas party at the office.  It’s a battery-powered, penis-shaped dildo.  Not wanting to toss it in the trash can for fear our children would find it, he tucked it into his underwear drawer, and we both forgot about it.  Well, he forgot about it.  I remembered it one day while putting his laundry away, and I decided to see what it felt like.  I turned it on and just placed it between my legs.  It was too rigid and bulky to feel all that great inside of me, but I noticed that it felt fantastic just resting against me.  It was then that I discovered a “hot spot” I never knew I had.  Although my husband had touched my clitoris with his fingers before, it was usually just briefly, to help me get lubricated.  Not enough to really get me going like this thing did.  I couldn’t believe how great it felt!

After only a few minutes, a wave of intense pleasure washed over me, causing every muscle in my body to contract.  Then, my vaginal muscles began throbbing in a way that I had never experienced.  It lasted only a few seconds, then my whole body relaxed completely, and I felt like runny oatmeal for the next several minutes.

As I rested there on our bed, I had mixed emotions.  On the one hand, I was angry that no one had ever told me that my body was capable of this, especially my husband.  On the other hand, I was so excited about my new discovery that thirteen years of ‘faking it’ out of ignorance didn’t seem to matter.  I finally had my “Oh” moment, and I was looking forward to many more real ‘O’s.’”

It is because of situations like the scenario described above that we recommend some of the Married Masturbation exercises on our site.  We recommend that all couples go through these exercises, even if they feel that they are already having Great Married Sex.  We recommend it for couples (all husbands AND wives) because sex is about sharing.  We further recommend it because of the lessons that will be learned beyond the surface-level objectives.  Let’s look at one more letter before we address our closing two points.  This one is taken from the same book.  It is a letter written by a married woman named Melissa.  She has been married 22 years to her husband, Doug.  Both of them reported feeling sexually satisfied throughout the majority of their marriage.  At the time of her letter, both of their kids had gone off to college.  Melissa and Doug had the house to themselves and were having more sex than they had had since they were newlyweds.  It was during this period of sexual rejuvenation, that they made a fascinating discovery.  Melissa writes…

“While I’ve always enjoyed intercourse, foreplay is what really gets my motor revving.  I’ve always told my husband that he has magic fingers, as he’s never had a problem bringing me to orgasm within a few minutes just by stroking my clitoris.  But one night, Doug inserted one finger, then two inside my vaginal canal and stimulated me for longer than he ever has without removing his fingers and moving on to some other pleasurable activity.  It seemed like the longer that he fingered me, the more relaxed I became.  Then, all of the sudden, I felt the need to bear down, kind of like when you are delivering a baby.  As I did, Doug continued to stimulate me and his hand almost got swept up in a tidal wave of juices flowing out of me!  I thought “female ejaculation” was just a term made up by the porn industry to sell more videos, but it’s actually possible for a woman to come even more than a man ejaculates!”

If stories like Melissa’s (or even Cindy’s) sound too good to be true, then the exercises that we are recommending will be worth the effort.  Even if you don’t reach to the heights that these women describe, it is certainly worth the open-minded and patient attempt.  As a couple, you are worth the investment of time and sharing.

LOCATING YOUR PERSONAL PLEASURE TRAIL

People often wrestle with two central issues about Married Masturbation.  The first is the idea of enjoying sexual pleasure “alone.”  The second is the idea of masturbation being a selfish act (i.e. non-giving).  Let’s deal with both briefly as we close.

Arguments against Married Masturbation begin with the objection that (in marriage) sexual pleasure is not intended to be experienced alone.  I could not agree more.  Masturbation, however, is not done “alone” in a marriage.  In fact, nothing is.  When you are married before God, the Bible is clear: nothing you do is by yourself in the area of your sexuality.  God has even given your sexuality (appetites, desires, actions, body parts, etc.) over to your spouse.  Your bits and pieces are not even yours anymore.  They belong to your partner.  You can’t touch them in a sexual way apart from your partner’s permission and approval.  You can wash them and care for them as needed, but you cannot arouse them or release them sexually without the direct approval and endorsement of your spouse.

With that in mind, you will each need to give each other access to their own bodies for the purpose of these assignments.  In a few minutes, you will need to read the statement below and give your spouse permission to do some exercises in which they handle their own parts in a sexual way.  They are not doing it in secret.  They are not doing it forever.  This is not a blanket permission slip for your entire marriage.  It is just for the purposes of these first steps of exploration.

Right before your share the words below with each other, you may want to take a moment to clear the air.  You are about to give your partner a pass to touch themselves in a sexual way for the purposes of “Sexual Exploration and Research,” which is undoubtedly a noble cause (smile).  This is a powerful gift to give your spouse.  You are not giving them the power to give their mind or body to another, but for the purposes of these exercises, you are issuing a temporary license to operate it without you.  Let’s not make this a sham.  If one of you (or both) has already been servicing yourself without a license (i.e. masturbating without your spouse’s knowledge, approval, and involvement), go ahead and confess it to them now.  Right now.  Repent for dishonoring your spouse in this way.  Ask them to forgive you.  Tell them that you now see that it was not your body to touch, and that you are sorry for coveting what did not belong to you.

This will take courage, but it is worth it to be pure in your heart and mind before God and your spouse.  I recall a time early in our marriage when I was upset with Connie because I felt like she had rejected my sexual advances one particular day.  We were newlyweds, and we were having a difficult time getting in “sexual sync” with one another.  I wanted sex pretty much all the time.  She (for some strange reason) felt the need to go to work on occasion.  One morning, I made it obvious to her that I was interested in a little sexual attention before she went to work.  Beyond the obvious clues, I even gave a strategic brush past her with some insinuating words to make my desires clear.  She was focused on whatever she was doing at the time and flew right past me and out the door.  Neither of us were mature enough to signal/read each other properly.  I was angry and hurt.  I was having a tantrum.  In my flesh, I had a thought that seemed like a good idea at the time:  “I’ll show her.  I can ‘handle’ this myself.  After all, I remember 9th grade.  This was the only JV sport I could have lettered in.”  In a rush of combined arousal and anger, I set out to “minister” to my needs.  There was only one problem: I was saved, married, and in covenant with Connie.  Before the party even started going really good, the conviction of the Holy Spirit fell on me.  I had sinned against her. I was crushed and ashamed at my selfishness.  At first, I was tempted to compound the sin by hiding the truth.  I couldn’t it.  Through great awkwardness and shame, I brought it up to her that night (or the next day).  We had a long talk in which we both repented and grew.  As “embarrassed” as I was about my behavior, having the air clear between us was more important than my pride.

If your spouse confesses this to you, don’t punish them.  We are trying to get back to Eden.  Keep moving on the path.  The fact that they are here with you, open and honest about what is going on, is a good thing.  Take their willingness to seize this opportunity for absolution as a sign that they want to make progress.  Discuss what you must.  Cry and argue if you have to.  Whatever you do, though, come back to this page and get back on the path.   A new day awaits you.

Talk now.  We’ll wait.

Whew!  Now that that is over, let’s proceed.  Each of you read this to your spouse.

“According to the Word of God, your body belongs to me.  Because we are both purposing in our hearts to live in Sexual Eden, I am giving you temporary custody of your body ONLY for the purposes of following these exercises.  I am trusting that you will not deviate from this agreement and dishonor God or me in any way.  I love you, and am looking forward to growing more intimate with you during this time.”

CAN’T TOUCH THIS?

Let me address the final common objection, and then we will move on to your first assignment.

Many people struggle with the idea that in a marriage it is wrong to bring pleasure to themselves.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Hear me loud and clear:  ALL ORGASMIC SEX IS MASTURBATORY TO SOME DEGREE.  That’s right.  If you are having orgasms, you are masturbating in some form.  How do I reach that conclusion?  Just examine your own actions.  If you think about when you are having sex or engaging in sexual acts that produce an orgasm, you will notice that there is an “orgasmic scent trail” that you are searching for in each act.  I call it a “scent trail” because it is something that we almost “stumble across” when we are looking for an orgasm.  Once we find it (or think we have), we immediately engage sexually at an entirely different level.  This is when the “masturbation” or self-pleasing begins.

Take, for instance, the simple act of vaginal intercourse.  When a woman is purposing to have an orgasm (if she is comfortable and confident in her ability to do so – which we will cover in this article and others), there are many different levels that she will go through.  If, for example, she is on top of her husband with his penis inside her, there are many sensations that she may be feeling/enjoying.  She may be enjoying the warmth of their parts touching or the pressure and fullness inside the walls of her vagina.  She may enjoy the wetness of her parts gliding along the shaft of his penis, etc.  She may (if she so choose and if her husband can withstand) enjoy this for a long time.  It is entirely within her right (as Connie has already written) to simply enjoy these sensations and no more.  She also has a right (if she so choose) to travel further down this trail in pursuit of orgasmic release.

As she continues to enjoy this on-top position and to move in different directions in search of “the trail,” her desire begins to build.  If she is thoroughly versed in the operation of her sexual release (which is one purpose of these exercises), she will begin to move herself (and/or her lover) to “a place” in which she has been successful in locating the path to an orgasm before.  She may not be able to pinpoint the exact stroke or pressure at first, but she will eventually stumble across it.  Maybe it happens as she tilts her hips forward and bears down with her clitoris on her lover’s pubic bone.  Ever so slightly, the scent of the trail wafts by.  I, of course, am not referring to a literal scent (although they have their place in sexual things), but rather a pleasure scent.  There will be a tinge of awakening that says to her body that she has picked up the scent that leads to release, and that she should follow that path.

She now enters the masturbation phase of her journey.  If she is pursuing an orgasm, she won’t want to depart from that spot once she has found it.  Instead, she tilts her hips backwards, backing off of the spot just a little.  Then, she drives her clitoris by again for another pass.  If she gets the same “scent-sation,” then she knows that she is on the trail.  She will take charge from there.  Back and forth.  Over and over.  Each time the pressure builds.  She just stays on the trail, right in that spot.  When she is at this point, she is on a mission.  A wise lover will read her cues and know his place.  This is not the time to get fancy.  It is not time to become a stud.  If he gets too cute, she could lose the scent and exit the trail.  Neither of them wants that to happen.

What does she want from her lover?  Whatever will help her reach her finish line.  She is in control.  She is calling the shots.  She is determining the speed and the angle.  Her husband is just an instrument at this point.  Yes, he is her lover and friend, but at this point, he is her servant.  Like an itch in the middle of her back that needs scratching, she must be in full control.  She gives the instructions that will help him scratch it:

“Higher.  Over.  Down.  Down.  Left.  Right there.  Harder.  Down.  Harder.  Right there.  That’s it.  Ahhhh…!”

At this point, she should be released to do whatever helps this pleasure be at its fullest.  From the outside, you can see her hips moving and tilting in the direction of the pleasure.  On the inside, however, there is even more that is happening.  She is intentionally squeezing muscles – contracting and releasing, etc.  What’s more, she may even grab your hands and place them on her breasts or backside.  If you know your role, you will know exactly how she wants to be squeezed, pinched, rubbed, etc.  While you are holding her, she may put her hands on her head.  She may even run her hands through her hair (though not always an option for everyone).  She may squeeze her own breasts or stimulate her own nipples.  She may even reach down and rub her own clitoris with her hands.  ALL of these options are possible and ALL are permissible.  At the same time, she may simply place her hands on her thighs and enjoy the back and forth motion until she climaxes.

What is happening right at that moment?  She has found a pleasure spot and has begun to not only point her lover, but every part of her own body, in the direction of her pleasure.  She is engaged in “self-pleasure,” and it is entirely okay.  It is of God, and it should be done without shame.

The same thing could be taking place if her husband were pleasing her orally or manually.  Yes, he is providing stimulation, but she is controlling the descent down the trail.  She rotates her hips, squeezes her muscles, pushes towards, or backs away from the pleasure.  She steers her body and desire ever-so-carefully to the place where she will crescendo.

Men are no different.  Be it intercourse, manual, or oral stimulation, men are also in search of the orgasmic scent. The stroking, caressing etc., all has a good feeling that can and should be enjoyed.  The scent of the trail that leads to a release, however, has a different sensation.  Once a man picks it up, he is at a crossroads.  If he is trying to hold out to please his lover, he will back off of the trail, but stay close by.  He will follow her cues and try to pick up his trail again just at the right time (more on this in other posts).  Or, if he has been given permission to walk out his trail (because she has already concluded hers or is abstaining from an orgasm herself), he will pick the pace very intensely.

In this moment, the husband has a dual battle going on.  At one side is the drive to go down the trail as quickly as he can.  On the other side, is the desire to slow down and make the pleasure last. Women also walk this fine line of stretching out the pleasure. Neither the man nor the woman must stretch too long, however, because the scent could elude them as haphazardly as it was first discovered.  The blessing of being a woman is that she can often repeat the exhilaration to varying degrees in wave after wave of body-quivering pleasure.  Men need advanced training and discipline to enjoy the same.

Again, the man during his time on his orgasmic trail is in control.  His hips, PC muscles, contractions, etc. are all aligned for his pleasure.  He may pull is lover towards him at a “perfect” angle.  He may withdraw his penis enough to let it reach a certain “touch-point” and thrust it back in at just the right speed and direction.  If, during this time, his wife is on her trail in pursuit of release, the husband should be mindful to carry out whatever actions she is requesting (through shimmers, moans, and/or direct instructions).  In these moments, he has to be careful.  If he is thinking too much about his own trail, he will not be able to help her complete hers.  At the same time, if he too excited (by hearing and seeing her cascading down her own pleasure path), his release may overtake him and derail hers for a moment.

The good news is that if a wife reaches the conclusion of her trail before her husband, she can continue to help him follow his own trail on through.  If he goes before her, however, they are at a crossroads where his servanthood must remain in play.  “Their” trail ride is over.  Only “hers” remains.  What should he do?   The answer is simple: whatever it takes to aid her in finding and finishing her trail.  She should be released to request from him ANYTHING in ANY WAY to experience her release.  If necessary, she should be released to finish on her own path with her own hands or she should be free to place his hand upon her genitals and initiate stimulation in whatever pace and direction that the scent was last detected.  The point here is that he must have the attitude of “whatever it takes.”   Why?  Because her pleasure is her right.  How she finds it should not be a matter of ego, but rather a matter of service.

Husbands, do not be intimidated by this point. It is just you two alone in the garden.  There is no “other” to compare you to.  You are her best and only lover.  What makes you the best is that you put her pleasure in a place of importance equal to yours.  PLEASE NOTE, however, that putting her pleasure in a place of equality includes her freewill to not follow the trail on any given occasion.

YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO PLEASURE

Sex with your spouse is about what YOU like.  I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it is the truth.  Study 1 Corinthians 7 closely.  When Paul speaks about the marriage bed, he does not say that we are to GIVE pleasure to our lovers.  He says that we are not to TAKE pleasure away from them.  The King James Version uses the word “defraud.”  Literally, he is saying, “Don’t cheat each other out of the pleasure that is due to them.’  WOW!  He is implying that our spouses have a right to pleasure and that we cannot hold out on them.

Part of Great Married Sex is the embracing YOUR desire to have and enjoy sex, to have and experience orgasmic release, and to have your sexual fire quenched.  Keep in mind that this sexual mandate ONLY exists inside the borders.  If a person is stirring their desire on the outside, and trying to fulfill it on the inside, they are not walking in Exclusivity.  This is wrong and needs to be repented from (turned from).

Furthermore, when it comes to our sexual fulfillment in marriage, Paul does not say that we should pause our spiritual lives to spend time fulfilling our sexual desires with our spouses.  Instead, he states the opposite.  He says that we are allowed (on occasion and for a short season) to break away from physical intimacy to spend time with God.  His directive after a time of fasting and prayer is to immediately resume sexual relations.  He directs this NOT because our “spouse needs it,” but because of his assumption that WE would need release ourselves.  He is giving us the right to procure pleasure and release within our marriage bed.  How far have we fallen from this heavenly standard!

“What about my spouse?” you may ask.  “If I have a right to sexual pleasure within my union, what is my spouse supposed to do?”  I will tell you what they are specifically NOT to do: they are not to hold back from serving you.  I can almost hear people shudder as they read that last line.  People may think that I have just empowered the abuse and manipulation of people in the name of “Pastors Mike and Connie said…”  We are unphased.  We cannot withhold Biblical truth for fear of how the un-loving will twist it.  If people are going to take what we say with a wrong spirit, and use it to exploit their spouses, that is inexcusable.  Yet, at the same time, we realize that their issues/rebelliousness run much deeper than anything that a blog for married couples can solve.  You must have the Spirit of Christ truly formed in your before any of the words we share can help you as God intends.

Before you get too far down the road and become a sexually demanding spouse, keep this in mind: you too are a servant.  You are not only a servant to your spouse, but also to God.  Make sure that you don’t treat your mate in a manner that you would not expect God to treat you.

CONCLUSION

Married Sex includes a right to the pursuit of pure, sexual pleasure.  The problem with most couples, however, is that they are not even sure what they find pleasurable.  Many men only have a surface-level understanding of their desire.  Women (in most cases) understand themselves even less.  This is where Married Masturbation comes into play.  We want YOU to discover YOU.  It will help you teach and train your lover how to better serve you and provide you pleasure.  It will also help your lover serve you better.

We think that it is important that self-touch be a part of your sexual repertoire.  We want you to learn to touch yourselves WITH each other, FOR each other, and possibly even APART from each other (more on that later).  If you feel up to some deep and real Exploration of Sexual Eden with your spouse, then move on to the first exercise.  It is WONDERFUL!  We will issue more advanced and complicated assignments in time.   Climb aboard.  Here we go…

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10 thoughts on “The Power of Married Masturbation

  1. WOW! I’m so thankful for this. We’re only two and a half years into our walk to EDEN. I feel like this is the best wedding gift we could have gotten (and not known to ask for) . Thanks PM & PC!

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  2. These are AWESOME articles PM/PC, please follow-up with a book, this brings such freedom to a marriage. Here’s my cry for help. Been married a very long time (over 25 years) after six months of marriage he stopped making love to me. The first 12 years when I would approach him he would literally push me away, so I stopped. Very bitter fights had happened because of this. I finally released him to God and went forward building what we had. We have a great relationship, we talk, talk, talk. This is a very sensitive subject for him because he feels he’s failed. We have had intercourse twice in the past ten years. Our first couple of years of marriage he went to doctors because we thought it was medical, but it’s not. We got born again four years after we were married, so we didn’t go into the marriage knowing the Lord. On his own, he went to the doctor and got the little blue pill before we went on vacation for week wanting to make it romantic, but he never took it, I don’t understand! Four years ago I sat him down and explained to him that I loved him and except him for who he is, the only request I had was that he would give me passionate kisses, romantic, sweet, tender kisses and that would bless me so much and he agreed. Not once have I received one. He kisses me once in a while on the forehead like he does our precious dog. He won’t go to anybody to talk about it and he wouldn’t go the ‘marriage’ weekend at the church because this would shine light on the issues. We’ve gone to so much counseling that we could be PHD’s. So much damage has occurred in my heart I may never recover. I’ve been a broken woman for so long and obviously do to the hurts I have withdrawn. The rejection is unbearable. Before you ask, Yes, he knows how I feel because I’ve been very honest with him on the condition of my heart, all the things I have written here I have said to him. Trust me, this is only a summary.

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    • My heart goes out to you and your husband. I pray that God brings a supernatural manifestation in your marriage that brings the two of you together like never before. No weapon formed against you or your marriage shall prosper. You are a strong woman who’s hope is in the Lord. No matter how bad this situation makes you feel, know that with God all things are possible. Don’t give up. You now have many people praying for you and your husband by sharing your heart with us in this blog. Love,
      Wildlilly2 and a sister in Christ.

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  3. Great input and thinking outside the box. Sometimes you may feel like you know many aspects on this subject, but its like now you are being shown the proper method of how to enjoy sex.

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  4. This exercise is confirmation to something that just came to my mind that I wanted to try with my husband. I already know that he is open to it because he told me that he would like to see me do it in front of him whenever I’m ready. In the past 2 years we’ve become so sexually open in communicating our likes with each other that we’ve been having the best sex ever. So mind blowing that we’re just in aw afterwards. We’re not newlyweds either. This year will be 14 yrs. for us. It’s not always been mind blowing but still good in the past years.

    What has worked for us is communicating our likes, dislikes, fears, and any sexual hang ups that we may have because of past hurts done by other people that may have left us broken(before we got married). After communication I would say the other key thing would be making sure that you are a considerate lover to your spouse. As a woman and a wife, since my husband likes to do whatever he can to give me an orgasm, I want him all the time and become a vixen in our marriage bed, bringing him to an awesome climax too. It’s become a win win situation for both of us.

    This didn’t happen over night. It was a process of including God in our marriage, trusting each other with our bodies (and our hearts), getting counseling when we came to a couple major impasses that we couldn’t seem to work out without a third party mediator and just being open to each other’s needs and being willing to fulfill them.
    Thanks PM & PC for opening up this site for married couples. Maybe it will ecourage couples to try new things, keep us out of ruts and taking each other for granted, and keep us all happy and satisfied. Let’s face it we need this otherwise the churches divorce rate wouldn’t be just as bad as the world’s.

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  5. I am reminded of an old Mastper P song Make em say UHH.

    “I won’t stop now, I can’t stop
    You can’t stop me, so don’t try we
    We TRU soldiers, we don’t die
    We keep rollin, na-nah-nah-nah-nah

    You and Connie keep rollin. You are blessing many couples with your courage, boldness, authenticy, and obedience.

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