What is it EXACTLY about Orgasmic Sexual Pleasure that You Don’t Like?
This week’s post is as simple as we can make it. The title says it all. What is it EXACTLY about Orgasmic Sexual Pleasure that You Don’t Like? deals with the subject of Great Married Sex at its base level: mutual enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Mike and I have recently conducted a “Sexual Attitudes and Practices” survey at our church in which we asked nearly 250 Christian couples the raw truth about the quality of their Married Sex life. While we are still some time away from knowing/revealing the full results, the trends that are emerging in the surveys are at once fascinating and disturbing. Among the biggest and most notable themes is this paradox: most married people enjoy having sex when they have it, but very few of them are having it as much as they want to. In our opinion, this is a sad state of affairs, but not one that cannot be fixed.
Married Sex is awesome. The sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touches are TDF (to dance for). God made it that way for us…then He put us in a marriage covenant with our spouses to enjoy it…LIBERALLY and BOUNTIFULLY. It is a gift that we have as a married couple to be able to enjoy what is, arguably, the greatest and purest physical pleasure known to mankind. It is God’s Will that we bask in it joyfully. Solomon spoke of being “ravished” in sexual intimacy. I love that word. The short definition of it is “to be emotionally overwhelmed with.” According to the Word, we should not only be “sexually full” in our marriage, but overwhelmed from the deep sexual yearning AND satisfaction that we have for/with each other. This is His Will for us as married people in covenant with Him and with our spouse.
Stop for a moment and re-read that last paragraph. Does that describe your feelings about your Married Sex life? Does that embody the state of affairs with you and your spouse? If not, have you ever stopped to ask yourself “why?” The truth is that it takes time and investment to get to that level in your sexual relationship. Some couples have never had it. Some have had it and lost it. Some feel that they are so far from it that they have given up hope on every having it (again). Some wonder if such a sexual relationship can even exist. To be totally honest, Mike and I have not always had that type of Great Married Sex. It has taken us a long time to get to the place that we are at now. There was a time when both of us wondered if we would ever get there. We almost gave up on it entirely. Thankfully, however, the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation flows in our lives/marriage strongly enough to keep us from forfeiting something that God desired for us to have. Though the thief made his best effort, he was unable to steal this from us. Instead, we are enjoying our Married Sex life in abundance, to the full, until it overflows. We pray that God will use this blog to bring this type of revelation to your union as well.
This brings up our question to you for this week. What is it EXACTLY about Orgasmic Sexual Pleasure that You Don’t Like? I know that seems to be a silly question, but I think that it at least deserves your consideration. If you are physiologically and emotionally healthy enough to have sex, then YOU SHOULD BE HAVING IT…A LOT! Please note that when we refer to sex in this context, we are not just talking about intercourse. We are referring to sexual pleasure and release in general. We are talking about:
- pleasurable sights to share with your spouse.
- pleasurable sounds to share with your spouse
- pleasurable smells to share with your spouse
- pleasurable tastes to share with your spouse
- pleasurable touches to share with your spouse and…
- ORGASMS…lots and lots of them!
Husbands, whether you are having the types/varieties/frequency of sex with your wife that you desire to or not, let’s just stop and think for a minute. Think about what is FEELS like to have an orgasm. Seriously, think about it. Think about the rush of electricity that flows through your body. Think about that moment of rapture that makes you feel suspended in mid-air for just a few blissful seconds. Now, think about what it feels like to ejaculate. Think with your mind about the building pressure right before you climax. Think of how good it feels when your body spasms as your ejaculate is released. Think of the total body shutters and “relaxation” that you feel as you let go.
Wives, now I ask you. Whether you are having the types/varieties/frequency of sex with your husband that you desire to or not, let’s just stop and think for a minute. Think about what is FEELS like to have an orgasm. Think of those moments as you go over the edge in pleasure. Think about the wave (after wave) that rushes over you as your muscles contract and release. Think about the bliss. Think about the floating sensations. Think about the TOTAL sense of suspension and relaxation that follows in the moments after you climax.
Let me interject something here before we go any further. There may be some wives reading this (perhaps men too) that are not confident in their ability to have an orgasm. We will deal with this a lot in the future, but I want to share an excerpt from a note that we received from a Great Married Life reader that I think may bless you.
“…I recently bought a vibrator only because I wanted to kind of figure out my own body. I knew what it took to get myself to have an orgasm, but it seemed like with my husband, we were missing a spot. The vibrator I used maybe twice just so I could locate the area that I needed to be stimulated. When I discovered it, I was able to make some adjustments position-wise in that area. So in that sense, the toy helped me. I am so grateful that you guys are discussing these issues. It helps to know other people go through this stuff!!”
Whether you are a man or woman, the feeling of an orgasm is WONDERFUL. As I write, I realize how completely incapable I am of putting this feeling of sexual release into words. As a woman, I am sure that I cannot adequately capture the sensations that a man feels. This is understandable. What is amazing to me, however, is how far short my words seem to fall about the female experience. Not only am I sure that I lack the words to describe every woman’s experience, but I am pathetically unable to describe my own. “Wonderful Bliss” seems to sum it up, but I am sure that this too is insufficient.
What will it take for you as a man or woman to get to enjoy this feeling more routinely and more fully? What does it take for that to happen? What is standing in your way? Let me put it to you this way: If you could have orgasms more frequently and fully just by pressing a button, would you?
ORGASMATRON – THE WORLD’S GREATEST INVENTION
For the next few minutes in this article, I need you to come with me on an imagination journey. I know that what I am getting ready to describe to you isn’t real, but for the purposes of fully exploring Sexual Eden, I want you to go with me here. It is somewhat lengthy, but please read on until the end.
I want you to imagine what it would be like if instead of being given the gift of Married Sex, each married couple were given by God a small pleasure machine known as an “Orgasmatron.” Picture it as a small sphere (roughly the size of a grapefruit) that each couple kept by their bedside 24/7. To activate its power, all you would have to do is wrap both of your hands around it (one on each side). Let’s pretend that within a few minutes of placing your hands on the device, an earth-shattering, mind-blowing orgasm would ripple through your entire body. To be more realistic, let’s say that you could somewhat control the intensity of the pleasure by the amount of pressure that you put onto the orb. If you wanted the pleasure to last and last, you would keep your hands on it lightly until your were ready to climax, at which point you could bear down and let yourself go.
Now, let’s take this imagination journey a little further. Each married couple only gets ONE Orgasmatron to share between them, but they don’t HAVE to use it together. It can be enjoyed individually. Keep in mind, however, that whenever you use the Orgasmatron, you have a real, authentic orgasm. As a man, this means that you (generally speaking) will ejaculate, so you need to consider your clean-up needs as well as a refractory period. As a woman, this means that you could (if you so choose) have more than one orgasm back to back, BUT you need to keep in mind your ability to function later (i.e. that you don’t turn into a bowl of jelly for the rest of the day). As an added feature, the device is portable. When you leave it on its charger overnight, it can be taken with you throughout the day. You can take it with you anywhere. What’s more, it’s waterproof. It can go with you in the bathtub, shower, pool, hot tub, etc. It is completely quiet too. All you need is a few minutes and a little privacy, and the pleasure is all yours…literally.
Now, let’s get down to business. If you had such a device in your bedroom, how often would you use it? Would you use it annually? Monthly? Weekly? Daily? A few times per day? Think about it. Would you hold onto it for a few minutes before you went to sleep every night? How about when you got up in the morning, maybe right before you hopped in the shower? Or, even better, would you ever take it in the shower with you? Would you ever be home in the afternoon and “find” a moment to step into the bedroom, close the door, and have yourself a pleasure escape? Can you see yourself emerging from your room a few minutes later trying to compose/collect yourself so that you can resume your day?
Consider the following scenarios…
Let’s say that you are home one night preparing to go to bed. Your spouse is already in bed reading a book. As you slide under the covers, you see the Orgasmatron sitting on your nightstand, and think to yourself, “Boy! That sure would be a nice note to end the day on.” How comfortable are you at that moment in reaching for the device? Do you feel that you have a marriage that gives you liberty to even desire a moment of sexual release, let alone actively pursue one? Do you feel a sense of shame or belittling from your spouse as you reach for it? Do you feel that they look down on you when they see you throwing the covers off and sitting up to grab the device? When you grab onto the orb and place your hands around it, how do you feel on the inside (not sexually, but emotionally)? Are you able to let yourself enjoy it, or do you worry about what your spouse is thinking? Are they happy that you are experiencing this WONDERFUL pleasure, or do you get the feeling that they are just tolerating it? What if you reach for it more than once? Are you wanting too often? Do you feel that you should hold back some because of what your spouse might think?
Now let’s switch roles. Let’s say you are the one reading the book and you see your spouse come from the bathroom to the bedroom. As they are just about to doze off, they sit back up and reach over to the nightstand to grab the Orgasmatron. How do you feel? Are you at peace with it? Do you feel good about seeing them enjoy this wedding gift from God? Or, do you feel a little tinge of despising in your heart? Do you look down on them as immature, simple, and/or adolescent for “having” to release themselves right before bed? Does it bother you if they enjoy it multiple times?
Does how you feel about reaching for the Orgasmatron change if it were in its charger on your spouse’s side of the bed? What if you had to ask your spouse for it? Are you comfortable with that? What if it was on your side of the bed and your spouse asked you for it? Do you gladly hand it over (with willingness, assurance, and affirmation), or do you do it with a negative attitude (indicating that you are burdened and inconvenienced)?
What about the next morning? If you are in the shower the next morning and the desire hits you for an orgasm, are you comfortable enough with your spouse to lean your head out the door and yell, “Honey, would you mind bringing ’tron’ to me? I’m feeling a little horny this morning?” Can you say those words to your spouse? Can you express your desires in terms that simple? If you were the spouse being called upon to retrieve the device and bring it to the shower, how do you feel about your spouse’s request? Does it make you feel good that they are enjoying this gift from God, or do you secretly roll your eyes as you slough along to hand it to them?
What would you feel like if your spouse were already in the shower and you wanted to join them? Do you feel comfortable enough to grab the Orgasmatron and bring it with you? Do you feel self-conscious about bringing it with you? Are you concerned about what your spouse may say or think if you arrive in the shower with the pleasure ball in hand? Or, if you are the spouse in the shower and your mate arrives with the orb, how do you feel? Are you glad that they brought it, or do you think of them as being ridiculous or that their “fixation” with this thing is tiresome?
(Please bear with me just a few more minutes in this imagination exercise. There is a purpose for it.)
Now, let’s pretend that you are going out of town for a few days. Do you feel certain that your spouse will remember to pack the Orgasmatron? Or, do you feel like they are likely to leave home without it? Do you feel comfortable with asking them if they packed it? Or, do you feel that you will get flack for bringing it up? If you had to make a bet about whether they packed it or not, how would you bet? If you found out that they brought it, would it surprise you? If they told you that they “accidently” left it, would you believe them? If you are the one packing for the trip, do you pack it because you will want to have it while you are gone or because you know that your spouse will? Are you tempted to leave it just so your spouse won’t give you grief for bringing it? Or, do you bring it just so you don’t have to catch hell from your spouse?
When it comes to this idea of going out of town, if you are the one doing the packing, which statement more accurately reflects your attitude?
- Yes! We are really going to get some time to enjoy this thing while we are gone.
- We may not have a bunch of free time on this trip, but if we can get a moment, we want to MAKE SURE we have our favorite little travel buddy along with us.
- I may forget the deodorant or socks, but I NEVER forget the Orgasmatron.
- S/He gets plenty of time with that stupid thing at home. It is okay if they take a break every now and then.
- We’re not even going to have time for this because we will be so busy.
- Oops! I forgot it. Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal. Don’t pout. You’ll be home to your precious ball soon enough.
(We have one more TINY stop on this imagination journey, and then we will be back to “reality.”)
Let’s say that as time goes by, you discover the awesome power of enjoying the Orgasmatron together. No one is really sure how or when, but one day you discovered that if you put one hand on each side of the orb while your spouse places one hand on the top and the other on the bottom, you can SHARE in this powerful orgasmic pleasure. This has opened up entirely new avenues of exploring and intimacy together.
How enjoyable would you find this experience of sharing the orb together? How open are you to discovering various ways to share it? Are there times when you want to share it slowly and gently, with each of you alternating the pressure of the squeeze so that you can make it last a long time? Or, are there times with you want to grab it and squeeze it a hard as you can and hold on for your dear, explosive lives?
Is one of you inconsiderate when you share the orb together? Does one of you squeeze it too tightly too quickly and climax before the other can? Is one of you left with the orb alone? Do you feel slighted or disrespected?
Are you open to you and your partner customizing the use of the orb? What if there are different ways of holding it? What if you discover that there are other ways to use it that also bring pleasure? Are you open to those as well? If you have preferences about how YOU enjoy using the orb with your spouse, do you feel comfortable in sharing them? If your spouse has preferences about using it in ways that differ from your desires, do you willingly share in them?
If you had such a device, do you feel it would simplify sex for you? Do you feel that your relationship with each other is such that a device like the Orgasmatron would propel you both forward into great sexual intimacy? Or, do you feel that even with a device as simple as the Orgasmatron that you/your spouse would find away to complicate it and take the pleasure out of it?
Of course you know that God did not give us a grapefruit-sized orb for sexual pleasure. Instead, He gave us each other, which is far better. The Orgasmatron may not be real, but the scenarios that we are describing in this journey are. You and your spouse NEED to discuss them. Go through each scenario that we described above and see if you can find yourself in it. Do you see you in any of these roles? Do you see your spouse? Talk it through. Hear each other. Don’t accuse or defend. Use words like “I feel…” or “It seems…” This could be the beginning of a breakthrough for you.
SIR/MA’AM, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
I want to offer a few thoughts that may help you get to a place of MORE and GREATER sexual enjoyment as a couple. I start with a story that Mike often shares about a conversation that he had with our pastors in Atlanta shortly before we were married. He was driving them back from some sort of appointment/engagement. As was sometimes the case, he sat in the driver’s seat while our pastors sat together in the back. I was not there, but the conversation went something like this.
Male Pastor: “Mike, I’ll bet your ready for that wedding date to get here, aren’t you, boy!” (referring to the honeymoon and married sex that awaited Mike)
Mike: (trying to be sincere and not sound unspiritual) “Yes, sir. I am, but not because of the sex part. I am just really excited about getting to be with my best friend and to be able to share every moment with her.”
Female Pastor: (sensing Mike’s heart, but not wanting him to miss out on a big lesson) “Yeah, well, that’s true, Michael, but don’t be fooled: sex isn’t THE thing in marriage, but it is A thing. It is an indicator of how the rest of the marriage is doing.”
Mike: (laughs nervously, but takes point to heart)
WOW! Such Wisdom. Let’s be honest. If both spouses in a marriage are physiologically and emotionally healthy enough for sex and intimacy, there is a PROBLEM if they are not enjoying sex, and enjoying it OFTEN. Don’t cop out and don’t settle. Don’t fall for the devil’s lie that says, “We are not really interested in sex/intimacy. We have a different relationship that doesn’t need sex to be a part of it.” If this is how you feel (or if this seems logical to you), there is something wrong somewhere in your relationship that needs to be addressed.
Don’t be confused. Having “given up on it a long time ago” is not the same as “not really wanting it.” Having come to a place in which you “have accepted that you will not have a vibrant sex life” isn’t the same either. We have too many surveys in which spouses are saying that they want it, but that the other person has given up on it. It surprised us somewhat to learn that this is not a one-sided issue. The surveys are spilt on this matter pretty evenly on the side of husbands and wives that feel this way. Regardless of where you and your spouse may have “ended up” in your Married Sex life, you need to go back and ask yourself “Is this where we WANTED TO BE when we started?” If the answer is “no,” then you have some work to do.
Another thing that Mike often quotes is another statement from our spiritual Mom (she is such a great woman). She has said:
“If a man or woman ever comes to us and tells us that they just do not enjoy sex, the only thing that I can say to them is that they must not be doing it right.”
AMEN X 100! Sex is GREAT. Kissing, hugging, rubbing, touching, squeezing, grabbing, and holding are GREAT! Fast and slow is GREAT! Orgasms (as many as you can have and still function as normal people/parents/citizens in life) are GREAT! What is stopping you from getting there?
IT’S TIME TO SIMPLIFY
Mike and I feel that many couples need to simplify Married Sex and get it back to its proper place. We have added too much into it that has drained the life out of our ability to freely enjoy it. Consider the following areas.
1. Communication. We have said it over and over; this is where it all begins. If you are not good life-friends and life-partners, you won’t be good lovers. Bottom line. Period. This is true even if you are having passionate sex. Without a GREAT friendship, the sex is only surface-level at best. Go back and read and re-read the articles on Communication and The Boundaries of Sexual Eden. Pray and go over them again and again until you get a breakthrough. The walls, strife, bitterness, touchiness, territories, unforgiveness, and pettiness don’t please God. If you are at an impasse in your marriage (unless there has been some egregious transgression), then you need to repent. You have violated God’s Wisdom by letting the sun go down with things unresolved. GET OUT OF STRIFE and GET OUT OF SIN. Stop justifying your attitude or defensive posture. Work through it. Period.
If you think this could be part of your issue with enjoying sex together, talk about it now. When you are ready, move on to item number 2.
2. Pre-Sex Problems. Sometimes the problems start way before the actual time of sex and sexual pleasures. If you are not kind, nice, affectionate, respectful, and helpful to each other throughout your daily lives, there won’t be Great Married Sex. Do you feel that you treat your spouse kindly? Do you help? Do you hug and touch in non-sexual ways (kisses, caresses, back/shoulder rubs, etc.)? Do you help make domestic life easier, helping to lighten each other’s load? Do you treat each other with dignity and respect, or do you belittle each other? How do you feel that you are treated in these areas? How do you think your spouse feels that they are treated?
If you think this could be part of your issue with enjoying sex together, talk about it now. When you are ready, move on to item number 3.
3. Mid-Sex Problems. This is a common thread in our surveys, one that we will be dealing with in this week’s sexual exercise. Mike and I do not understand this at all. If the acts, positions, and expressions of sexuality that you or your spouse desires are within the boundaries of the garden, then “just do it!” Please each other. Get over your hang-ups and go for it. Sow cooperation and servanthood into your spouse and reap it back. This is in so many areas…
Initiation – so many married couples wish that there spouse would initiate sex with them. This is VERY IMPORTANT. The reason that people struggle with this is two-fold. First, it can be dangerous to initiate when you (a) feel that there may be a chance of rejection or (b) when your spouse’s compliance may seem like it is given begrudgingly. Secondly, it can be frustrating to feel like you are the only partner that has sex on their minds. Many spouses say, “I don’t know why I have to initiate it. If you want my body and you think I’m sex, just let me know. I will be glad to oblige.” On the surface, this seems like a good attitude, but it is not always ideal. Sometimes, it is good to initiate sex because it communicates, “I had sex on my mind BEFORE you brought it up to me.”
Positions and Pace – again, this mystifies Mike and I. Have sex in whatever position that your spouse wants it. If you want it different ways, then alternate. One time, it is your choice. The next, it is your spouse’s. As Mike often says from that car commercial: “Front. Back. Side to side. Front front. Back back. Side to side.” Just let loose. Don’t try to figure out “why” your spouse likes it this way or that. Don’t get hung up in how you feel about it (“I don’t like the way I look doing it this way” or “I don’t feel comfortable with showing you all of this/that”). When you are in those positions that aren’t your most flattering or favorite, just remember that they aren’t about you. If it is pleasing your spouse, then the goal is getting accomplished. Just remember, your time is coming too. This includes leaving the lights on/off depending on who’s plan you are following that particular night.
Some positions are not very comfortable. Arms, knees, legs, abs, etc. can get tired. TRY to make it work. Press through the discomfort if possible. Adjust if needed. Switch up if you become exhausted, but don’t just “dismiss” something because you have to make some extra effort to get it done. Sex can be exercise too. That’s a good thing.
Vaginal intercourse from the behind is a big issue for some couples. It was mentioned several times in the surveys. Its proper name is “Rear Entry.” Its common name is “Doggie Style.” Some people claim to love it. Others claim to hate it. The problem that we have found is that those that love it don’t often live in the same house with each other. Our advice is to get over it. You are not dogs; you are people. Rear Entry positions give additional sights and sensations that are well within the garden’s walls. Again, this may not be your position of choice, but if your lover likes it (man or woman), then go for it. Give and get this (and other positions) freely.
Pace is another big thing. Surveys indicate that some people (husbands & wives) prefer it slow and easy while other people (husbands & wives) like it “rough” and hard. Do it both ways, every way, and all ways. Fulfill your spouse’s desires, and freely express your own. If you want a slow and methodical “love-making” session, weave it into your sexual repertoire often. Or, if you want a sweaty, noisy “pounding/slapping” session, weave that into your sexual repertoire as well.
Sexual Acts – for the purposes of this article, these include manual stimulation, oral sex, and anal sex/play. All of these can have a role in Great Married Sex. Not surprisingly, I sensesd people gasped in sequence with that first sentence. A small gasp occurred at the thought of manual stimulation (handjobs/fingering/clitoral massage, etc). A larger gasp at occurred at the thought of oral sex (fellatio and cunnilingus). Fainting spells occurred with some people at the mention of anal sex/play (fingering, intercourse, prostate massage, etc.)
We will discuss all of these in detail in future posts. They are multi-faceted and deserve our attention. There is a theme that we have seen in our surveys, however, that is very interesting: the people who have these acts (some or all) woven into their sexual inventory report being satisfied in their married sex life at a noticeably higher level than those that do not.
For now, let me just give you a quick rule to live by in these areas until we are able to cover them more completely. Discuss, Explore, and Agree. If you can do this with an open mind and honest dialogue, then you will find a place of pleasure and peace. My counsel is that as you walk through this with your spouse, avoid any of the following three things:
- Do not keep things locked out of your current marriage that you explored with someone else and already made decisions about. You have to start out at zero and explore the entire garden like it is your first time…together.
- Do not approach these subjects from a false religious or a superstitions perspective. What you may have heard about “mouths” and privates not touching did not come from the Bible. Google “Solomon Oral Sex” and study it for yourself. There are also silly arguments that state that “privates go with privates, hands go with hands, and mouths go with mouths.” Yet, these same people have no issue kissing their partner on the neck or chest. They have no problem with touching nipples or stimulating the penis or clitoris with their hands. People do have their hang-ups (which are understandable), but don’t bring unsound logic or unfounded biblical doctrine into the mix. What you need to ask yourself here is, “Where did my feelings about this come from?” Home? Friends? Former lover? Past experiences? If it didn’t come from God (other than old wives’ tales) and you didn’t open-mindedly discuss and explore it with your spouse, then you need to adjust your thinking.
- Do not be freaked out about cleanliness. For now, let’s postpone the discussion about anal sex/play in any form (which we will deal with at another time). When it involves manual stimulation or oral sex, there are no legitimate health reasons to abstain. Furthermore, “that’s nasty” is not good enough. Sexual juices and organs are clean and sterile (provided that you are clean and disease-free). If you practice good hygiene and are free from STD’s, then there are only good/healthy things that are being exchanged.
We know that there are many areas about this subject that we need to clarify. People have asked us about ejaculation – on their partner, in their partner’s mouth, spitting, swallowing, etc. We will cover this in time. For now, find what works and do as much as you can agree to. We will address the details later on.
With all of these acts and practices, there are physical and emotional things to consider. If the particular act or action triggers bad memories stemming from abuse, molestation, etc., then back off and work through them at the pace determined by the victim. If, on the other hand, it is just a matter of “comfort,” that is something that can/should be worked through/past. If, however, it is a matter of “pain,” then things should be re-examined or left alone. We will cover pain & sex at another time.
If you think this could be part of your issue with enjoying sex together, talk about it now. When you are ready, move on to item number 4.
4. Post-Sex Problems. The final area of discussion is in the area of what happens after sex. Do you bond enough after your orgasms/sexual pleasures are complete? Do you take time to hold and affirm each other? Do you talk? Do you caress? This time together is wimperative because it is not only your BODIES that are in a heightened state of sensitivity, but also your SOULS as well.
This is SO VERY IMPORTANT because of what it communicates to your partner. When you bond afterwards, it says, “What has just occurred between us physically springs out of my love for you. Sexual pleasure is an added bonus that we share, but the friendship, partnership, and love that I share with you weighs more than anything physical in our union.”
There are practical considerations here too. Right after climax, there is often the “collapse.” It is at this point that lovers fall on or next too each other. It takes a few minutes to gather your senses and you will want to enjoy the glow for a few minutes. If you fall into/upon/near each other, this is where a well-placed and well-timed hand touch, foot (leg) touch, and/or kiss can work wonders. It is just something that says, “I love you and I am with you” at a time that you may not have the vocabulary to say it. It is okay to lay there in silence during these moments. You may be too hot/sweaty to be too close. That is okay. What is important is that there be some sort of physical affirmation. It is typically too early at this point to begin soft touching/rubbing simply because the skin receptors are too excited.
As the glow subsides, the next level of practicality begins. Clean-up is a factor. Most likely there is ejaculate to address. It may be on you and/or your partner. Wives, it may be in you. Husbands, if you are wearing a condom, it will be gathered in the tip thereof. It either case, there will typically need to be a break away to clean up. This can be done as a couple or as individuals. In some cases, both partners may need a minute. Clean to whatever level is practical and needed, and then prepare for the final (dare I say BEST) part of your time together.
In the case of a “quickie” or some other on the go “sexual snack,” the concluding/bonding part of the sex act may not be feasible or practical at the moment. You simply may not be able to lie down together for an hour and enjoy being with each other. Whether it can occur immediately or not, it is very critical that this be part of your physical relationship so it must be made into a priority. If time and place permit, you are ready for the next part.
Once you are cleaned (and possibly re-dressed if you have little ones who may visit during the night), now is the time for the post-sexual bonding that draws couples closer together. Meet each other in bed (or wherever you may be). Get close if you can (if you are not too hot still). At minimum, be within arms reach. Be as naked as you can; skin-to-skin contact does wonders. In that place of quiet and solace, you can begin to share. Share with each other. Share about anything. You can be face to face. Touch each other’s face, head, body, etc. Or, in typical give-and-take fashion, one of you can turn away from the other and expose your head, shoulders, back, bottom, legs, etc. for gentle touching and massage.
This is a MAGICAL time of bonding, whether you are talking or just being quiet. Kiss softly. Dote on your lover. For Mike and I, we are not at all balanced in this area when it comes to giving and receiving. Four-out-of-five times, he makes me the TOTAL beneficiary of our post-sexual bonding time. He allows me to bask in bliss as he plays with my hair (not always a practical option for everyone), scratches my head, draws designs on my back, massages my muscles, etc. One of my all-time favorite things is when he plays our favorite soft songs while he touches me (non-sexually) all over. He has told me that he sets a goal in his mind to try to reach 3 songs. Sometimes, he makes it through 7 or more. We don’t talk. We just think…about life, about God, about our family, about each other, etc. I am usually not awake for more than 3 songs. All I know is that when I fall asleep in this fashion, it is one of the greatest joys of my life. During sex, I feel like I have flown over the moon. During these “snugs” I feel like I have landed on a bed of glowing flowers. Sometimes, Mike falls asleep too. He is always so faithful to wake up and turn on the scriptures before going back to sleep. I don’t always feel him do it, but 90% of the time, I feel him kiss me on my cheek, head, or shoulder (or all 3) before he turns to fall asleep. This is HEAVEN on earth.
On the one-out-of-five times that it is Mike’s turn, I do the same things to him. I rub his head, shoulders, and back. I kiss him gently. I can tell that he is enjoying it by his sighs and moans. He falls asleep very quickly. When I hear his breathing change and I know he is asleep, I continue to touch him. I squeeze in close. He is my husband and I feel safe and loved right next to him. I look at him there and think of how much I love him and how blessed I am to have him in my life. I smell his essence. Sometimes, I can smell the residue of his cologne on his neck. I get as close as I can and fall asleep.
If you think the area of Post-Sex activities could be part of your issue with enjoying sex together, talk about it now.
Once again, the title of this article says it all. We want you to really evaluate what is keeping the awesome blessing of Great Married Sex held back and hindered in your life. Talk about it. Pray about it. Don’t stop until you get enough (smile), and then get more and more. Don’t let the thief steal from you in this area ever again. Read, research, learn, get counsel, etc. Just get your breakthrough.
After reading this, you are ready for your next Sexercise. It is powerful and will generate great discussion between you and your partner, and help you explore Sexual Eden more thoroughly. Click here to begin.
Write Mike or I if you have comments, questions, or testimonies.
We love you,