Possible Places Your Inner Vixen Could Be Hiding


DEAFENING SILENCE IN THE MARRIAGE BED

As Connie and I review the hundreds of surveys that we have received from married couples, we keep discovering patterns and trends.  One thread that we have discovered is in the frustration that can occur when a lover is not VOCALIZING their desires in the bedroom.  It is not only husbands that are frustrated; wives have similar complaints as well.  The marriage bed is no place for the timid, nor the TOTALLY selfless.  Though it is certainly a place for servanthood, it is also a place for POSSESSING and EXPRESSING desire.  You should be telling your spouse clearly what it is you want in bed…and you should be getting it!

When I speak of possessing and expressing desire, the old movie, Coming to America, comes to mind.  When Eddie Murphy’s character meets the wife that has been chosen for him by his parents, he takes her to a palace anteroom and conducts a short interview.  He asks her what kind of ice cream, music, etc. that she likes.  Her response is simply, “Whatever kind you like.”   He pressed her further by encouraging her not to give the “right” answer, but the real truth.  She responded again, “Whatever kind you like.” He quickly knew that this was not a desirable trait in a marriage partner, and declined to marry her.

Having a desire for things in life is good.  God promised to give us the desires of our heart.  How boring would it be for God if we never had any desires for Him to fulfill? The same thing applies to Married Sex.  Having and expressing sexual desires is VERY important.  It makes you an attractive and fun lover.  Connie and I are here to tell you that (contrary to what you might think) Married Sex is about GETTING what you want and GIVING what your partner wants.  You should not be a bowl of “blah” in bed.  You should want “it,” and want it often – whatever your definition of “it” may be.  This will require two things from you: First, you must WANT something.  Second, you must EXPRESS it (without shame) so that it can be fulfilled.

THE SEXUALLY SHUT DOWN WIFE (and HUSBAND)

There are many reasons that a person loses touch with the radical, uninhibited lover that lives inside of them.  We want to deal with each of these in time.

  1. Some of these reasons can be physical/hormonal (pain during sex, menopause, etc.).  Until we get to these on this blog, talk to your doctor about how to work through them with your spouse.
  2. Others are affected by emotional issues (psychological roadblocks, abuse, molestation, etc.)
  3. A great many people suffer from relational issues with their spouses that are so deep (and so long unaddressed) that they end up withdrawing from each other sexually.  This is a matter of great concern for Connie and I, because it is not that these couples’ sexual desires are dead, but rather that they are hidden…underneath all of the layers of conflict and hurt.
  4. A BIG thing that steals our enjoyment of sexual desire in marriage is Pornography.  Men (and women too), hear me on this.  Porn will rob you of the fullness of Great Married Sex.  What promises to be an enhancement to your sex life will leave you hurting and empty in the long run.  I will be devoting a post to this in the next few weeks.  It is something that must be dealt with.

Any and all of these things can seem to shut us down in the bedroom.  Some issues, like menopause or abuse, just require a lot of understanding and communication.  Others, like porn, require repentance and changes to be made.  If, on the other hand, relational walls have been built up between you that are keeping you from passionate, orgasmic sex with your partner, then you need to COMMUNICATE through it.  If we sound like a broken record on the subject of communication, there is a reason for it.  We KNOW that if you can START talking and KEEP talking, you WILL get a breakthrough UNLESS you/your spouse is a total selfish idiot (and I mean that in only the best way).

In all areas, TALKING is the key.  One of the great joys of sharing with couples on the subject of Great Married Sex (and our own personal journey as well) is to hear how couples that started having conversations about sex ended up having communication breakthroughs in EVERY area of their relationships.  Who knew that really getting naked and unashamed before each other as God intended would produce such closeness?  God did.  That is why we want you to keep reading each week and keep talking about how you feel about what is written (good, bad, or ugly).  Even if we offend you in what we write, that is okay.  If what we are sharing leads you to share more intimacy (and mind-blowing orgasms) with your partner, then our mission is accomplished.

YOU MAY BE DONE WITH YOUR PAST, BUT IS YOUR PAST DONE WITH YOU?

For some reason, it seems that wives are plagued with the inability to identify, locate, and express their desires in the bedroom more commonly than men.  Of course, we cannot say that this is a blanket rule, because we have many wives writing us saying that their husbands just don’t want Great Married Sex for some reason. We will attempt to help these wives in time, but for now we want to deal with some issues that concern many women.  First, there are women that desire to be great lovers, but can’t seem to find the switch to turn it on.  Other women recognize that they don’t have that desire for Great Married Sex, but know that they should.  They are stuck at a place of “desiring the desire,” but not sure how to bring it out.  Finally, there are some wives who don’t even think it is important to have a sexual relationship with their husbands.  If you are one such woman (or even a man that feels that way), I have something important that you need to hear.  As harsh as this may sound, you need to know that unless there is some physiological/emotional reason for your lack of desire, there is something broken in you/your marriage.  It is NOT NORMAL to not desire sex.  It is NOT NORMAL to not enjoy sex.   I want to encourage anyone who struggles with not wanting or not enjoying sex (be they male or female) to get serious about pressing into God for a breakthrough in your mind, body, and relationship.  Don’t let the devil have this part of your abundant life!

In this article, we want to deal with two possible causes of the “blockage” that can exist when it comes to a woman unleashing her inner SEX GODDESS.  First, we will address the area of past sexual history.  Secondly, we will address the general idea of female sexual repression that remains fixed in our culture.  These are not the only causes for why a woman may struggle, but they seem to be the most common.

Many times (whether she realizes it or not) a married woman’s stagnant sexual desire stems from her failure to fully reconcile/address her sexual past.  In general, women experience different repercussions from their sexual history than men do.  Not the least of these is an unintentional “switching off” of their uninhibited sexuality.  These women may be having sex with their husbands, but it is not PASSIONATE and EXPLOSIVE.  This has taken a great toll on many Christian marriages, and it will be an on-going focal point of our writings.

One thing that we find interesting is that a man can report that he has slept with over 20, 30, 50, or even 100 women in his lifetime, and that he is not shamed, guilt-ridden, or haunted by his sexual past.  He will further declare that what he did sexually before marriage has no bearing on his current Married Sex life.  Surprisingly, however, these men are often married to women who have had less than 5, 10, 15, or even 20 sexual partners and will BOLDLY declare that they are haunted by and affected by their sexual pasts.  The message from these statistics is clear: women respond differently to sex/intimacy than men do.  For men, the pleasure is usually first and the emotions follow after.  For most women, this order is usually reversed.

If you are a married woman whose sex life is less than you and your husband BOTH think that it can/should be AND you have had more than 5 sexual partners in your lifetime, then you need to pay close attention here…

One of the greatest manifestations of an unaddressed sexual history is that women will often “shut down” sexually in their marriages.  As couples date/court, many men discover that their soon-to-be wives have previously been sexually adventuresome.  This can produce an expectation about what sex between them will be like once they are married.  Many men end up marrying a woman who they assumed would be a “sexual vixen” based on the information that she had shared about her pre-married/pre-Christ sex life.  What starts out as a “turn-on” can quickly become a “let down” when a man discovers that his wife was more sexually free and uninhibited with other men (who may not have even loved her) than she is with her husband.

We have heard from many men that live in a confused state when it comes to the restrained and inhibited manner in which their sexually “experienced” wives behave in the CHRISTIAN, MARRIED bedroom.  This can create a sense of rejection of the highest order. “What is wrong with me?” husbands will often ask.  Furthermore, the sense of injustice can be enormous, as husbands sense that outsiders got “the sexual best” from their wives (sexual curiosity, freedom, experimentation, etc.) and all that they get are “the sexual leftovers” (duty-based sex to address their husband’s desires, but no STRONG appetite for sex from the wives themselves).

Let me make it clear that when a [Christian] woman who has been sexually active before marriage tells her soon-to-be husband that she “likes” sex, she is not lying.  She may look back at her pre-Christ sex life and think that it was the sex that she was actually pursuing and enjoying.  Though she is not lying, she is also not fully in touch with the truth.  As she moves further into courtship and finally to the wedding, her sexual appetite may appear to be strong.  She is, however, living an illusion, for she will quickly discover that what she mistook to be the enjoyment of sex was actually a hunger for acceptance and love.  When she finds that she is now married to a man that truly loves and accepts her, she may realize the sickening feeling of how much of her dignity she previously gave away for so little in return.  Her UNCONSCIOUS reaction will often be to shut down the only “active” thing associated with “that time” in her life: her free expression of sexual abandon.  Here we can find that although we are in the garden alone, “others” (who are not even in the picture anymore) are stealing from us.

This leaves many men feeling like they have experienced a bait-and-switch.  They often do what seems to be logical, but is actually the worst thing that they can do: pressure their wives to be “like she said she was before.”  To her, this is like asking the dog to go back and eat its own vomit (II Peter 2:22).  In her pre-Christ life, she may have gone back to that vomit repeatedly.  Now that she is “free,” however, she never wants to go back to the way “she was” again.

Knowing that poets can often say stuff in ways that prophets cannot, let me quote from female recording artist, Jennifer Knapp.  This is a line from one of my favorite songs, Martyrs and Thieves:

There are ghosts from my past who own more of my soul than I thought I had given away.

They linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed.

A great fool in my life I have been; I have squandered till pallid and thin.

Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame for the darkness I know I’ve let win.

It is these “ghosts” (in memories, flashes of images, scents and smells, shame and embarrassment) that often thwart a married woman’s sincere desire to be all that her husband (and God) wants her to be in the bedroom.  She settles instead to be the best for “him.”  She tries.  She is willing to provide what it is that she perceives that he wants, not knowing that what he wants is for HER TO WANT…that is, for her to have desire – free, bold, “selfish,” uninhibited, and passionate.

To avoid the ghosts, women often run from everything associated with them.  This can include the avoidance of seeing themselves and/or their husbands in a no-holds-barred exploration/enjoyment of sexuality…like the kind they used to have.  When her husband wants to be free or “experiment,” he may be just trying to share and explore all that they can do together.  He brings up ideas of oral sex, lingerie/stripping, anal play/sex, different positions, different places, etc., because he wants to share them with HER.  She, in turn, grieves because she feels like these are the requests that would have been made by/shared with “them” – the ghosts that stand around the marriage bed every time she attempts to be fully naked and unashamed with her spouse.  For a season, her husband will be trying to find the sexual gas pedal; she will be pressing for the brakes.  Over time, however, he gives up.  Instead of “dynamic,” he eases into “normal.”  He may not say it, but he usually does this with a small degree of bitterness.  She may not even be aware that anything has happened.

Slaying these ghosts is a painful process.  It involves making a list of past lovers and seeing what they have in common.  It further requires women to see these past lovers for what they are – misdirected outlets for their brokenness/ignorance at the time.  You have to ask “why” with each person: “Why did I sleep with him?” Then, you have to recast each previous lover in your mind.  They are not the maverick/ideal men that they once seemed.  They are yesterday’s tools of the enemy (however unwittingly) that are trying to steal from your present-day abundant life.  This tearful investment in time and conversation with your spouse is worth the discomfort that it WILL cause.  Whatever is needed to pluck each (subconscious) claw from our souls is what we must do IF we not only want to be naked with each other in the garden, but RUN FREELY therein.

We know that this is a heavy subject.  We will be exploring it more and more over time.  If it applies to you in any way, pray and talk it through with your lover before God.  Share your heart in the most honest way that you know how.  The mutual reward will be great.

THE HANDBOOK FOR SEXUAL GOOD GIRLS

Let’s shift gears now and examine another reason that some women feel that they cannot be VOCAL and FREE in the bedroom.  A portion of it stems from our pre-programming that we received in our childhood/developmental years.  This pre-programming can affect men and women when it concerns how it is “proper” to behave in the area of sexuality.  Even women with no “shame” from their sexual history can assume that a “good” wife knows that her place in the bedroom is a RESERVED and CONSERVATIVE one.  Though she may never have been told this directly, it (like most things that have no legitimate basis) could have been unknowingly absorbed from her environment.

Let me share an article that I received from a Great Married Life member.  I have heard of and seen things like this before, but this one was truly funny to me.  It reads:

“This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 1960’s in the UK and explains why the world was much happier and peaceful then…

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible.  Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue [wait in line] for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train.  But remember to look your best when going to bed.  Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious.  If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him.

If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately, then so be it.  In all things be led by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.  Should your husband desire congress [intercourse], then agree humbly, all the while mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s.  When he reaches his moment of fulfillment, a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, be obedient and uncomplaining, but register any reluctance by remaining silent.  It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep, so adjust your clothing, freshen up, and apply your nighttime face and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning.  This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.”

WOW!  First, let me say that I am not sure if this entire article is true. The web has a way of passing stuff off as fact that is nothing more than folklore.  It does, however, certainly make for some compelling conversation, especially in the area of how many women (and sometimes men) still carry this attitude in the bedroom.  Let me tell you that as a man, this type of married sexual relationship sounds appealing on the surface, but at the core of its implications is a deception from the devil that has been used to steal from many, many couples.

Let me clarify why this has SURFACE appeal.  First of all, I think that it is great that these young girls are being instructed about their HUSBANDS that they will one day have, not lovers that may “come” and go in their lives.  I wish there was more emphasis on the beauty of Married Sex for young girls in our time.  Secondly, I like this idea because of the concept of sexual servanthood that is being “sown” into the minds of these future wives.  I like the idea of raising young women to not be afraid of their husband’s sexual desire, but to minister and cater to it.  I further like the idea of these young girls being given the impression/awareness that tending to their husband’s desires without complaining is a good thing to do.  Connie and I feel that too many wives make sex more complicated than it needs to be.  What should be an enjoyable expression of love has turned into an overly complex game of one-upmanship and reward/punishment.

Of course there is a problem in this article’s concept of “servanthood,” because the women are never given permission to be served as well.  In fact, this article not only leaves women bereft of being served by their husbands, but void of any right to sexual appetite.  Consider what Jesus said on the subject of servanthood in Luke 17:7-8:

Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? Would he not rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’?”

Jesus knew that it was IMPROPER for the servant to take care of himself before he had ministered to the one he was supposed to be serving.  He also clearly understood, however, that it was IMMORAL to assume that (a) the one serving had no appetite of his own, and (b) that the one serving would not also require/desire the opportunity to satisfy/quench that appetite.

In the context of Married Sex, I am not trying to imply that the husband is the master and the wife is the servant.  On the contrary, I am actually saying that the husband and wife are at once both master AND servant in the bedroom.  Both have a right to be served, and neither should be assumed to be devoid of appetite/desire.

This brings me to what I TOTALLY dislike about this article: the ROBBERY that it perpetrates on women when it comes to their own pleasure in the marriage bed.  The article basically says that ONLY men have a right to their sexual appetites.  The authors of this textbook have completely missed the writing of Saint Paul, who gives EQUAL place for female sexual desire in marriage.  Paul somehow (by revelation) knew that women could/would/should have a right to service AND a craving for it too.  The author of the above apparently didn’t get that memo.  What is amazing to Connie and I, is that despite how far off this article is from God’s design, we still see many women/men who have adopted this attitude in their marriages.

WHAT YOUR LOVER REALLY WANTS (whether they are male or female)

The ultimate reason that this article would never suffice as counsel for my wife is that I need more from Connie than “a small moan to indicate any enjoyment that she may have had.” How anyone ever let anything be published that told a woman to squelch her feelings about what was happening in bed is beyond me.  I want Connie to LET ME KNOW when there is something happening that she enjoys.  Even more than this, I would like to hear what she enjoys BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER we are intimate.  A “small moan” won’t get it done.

Ladies, let me help you out.  If you have a genuine sexual servant as a husband, then he REALLY is trying to please you.  He may not be doing it right 100% of the time, but if he knows his place as your personal “Orgasmatron,” he will always be attempting to zero-in on what it takes to ring your bell.  What’s more, he doesn’t just want to make you have a small moan; he wants to make you howl.  He wants you to pant and shudder with pleasure as a result of the INVESTMENT that he is making in your sexual relationship (and throughout your daily lives as well).  A true man is a giver in all areas of your marriage.  This includes Married Sex.

Now, let me pause to deal with the husbands for a moment.  GENTLEMEN, if the above paragraph about serving your wife sounds foreign to you, then you need to renew your mind about Married Sex.  In fact, if the article that I quoted from earlier (about how wives should behave) actually seemed to make sense to you, then you don’t just need mind-renewal; you need DELIVERANCE.  Seriously.  Don’t let your wife have to have married another man to discover GREAT sex.  YOU are the one that God gave her, and YOU are more than able to fill the bill.  Let her mind never even have a moment to consider “the lover on the other side of the fence.” She deserves to be so wobbly and breathless from you that she has no desire to think about what else may be out there.  This takes a servant’s heart, however, because the things that YOU might think will turn her into a post-orgasmic bowl of jelly may not mean anything to her at all.

Back to the ladies: WIVES, if your husband is a sexual servant, he is willing to try/do ANYTHING that will give you pleasure.  The key to this is two-fold:  (1) you need to have a desire for something and (2) you need to let him know what it is.  If you want to get a real man turned on, let him know what makes you turned on and give him the opportunity to give you EXACTLY what you desire.  A sexual servant is willing and ready to do this.  The question is “Will you give him the two keys that he needs to get the job done?” Will you have a desire?  Will you let him know what it is?

TALK TO ME LIKE LOVERS DO

When a man is trying to sexually minister to his wife, he will often attempt any number of things.  Rub here, touch there, grab here, poke there, in at this angle, out at that angle, etc.  It may seem so simple in a woman’s mind, but while he is doing all of these different activities, the least helpful thing that his wife can do is just moan.  Moaning is good, and while he should be glad that he has done something that has generated a reaction, he is also often confused about what it is EXACTLY that he has done that has “hit the spot.”

This is the reason that a husband will often want to do a “follow-up” interview with his wife after sex.  Contrary to what his wife may think, he is not JUST looking for her to stroke his ego.  He is actually looking for feedback.  In this post-sex dialogue, he is acting stereotypically female (wanting to relate conversationally) and the wife, in turn, may be tempted to act stereotypically male (answer the questions without relating over the issues).

Women, who are far more adept at relational dialogue than men, will seldom ask closed-ended questions.  A wife, for example, will not ask her husband IF he liked the message that the pastor preached at church that morning.  Instead, she will ask WHAT he liked about what the pastor preached at church that morning.  When she asks IF he liked it, she has set herself up for a one-word answer.   When, however, she asks WHAT he liked, she has a better chance of RELATING to him about the subject at hand.  Though she is not always successful, the way she asks the question has increased her odds of conversational intimacy between them.

When it involves finding out what pleases his wife in the bedroom, a husband often starts out by mistakenly asking his wife if she “enjoyed it.”   Though he is not looking for a closed-ended response, he has set himself up for one.  His wife hears this and mistakenly believes that he is seeking a pat on the head.  So she responds (the only way she can) with “Oh yeah.  It was good, baby.”  On the surface, the man feels good about her feeling good, but deep down, he really wants to know “what” felt good, or at least what things felt “gooder” than other things.

A key point here is that the husband is seeking to learn what his wife prefers and enjoys, not just what she DOESN’T want.  This is such a major point.  Sometimes we can be so clear about what we do not want in the marriage bed that we assume that we have communicated what we do want.  Furthermore, many women (and men) rely on SILENCE to be their best form of communication.  They operate from the approach of: “I assumed that when I didn’t respond to what you were doing that you understood that I didn’t like it.”  Having our “hands slapped” in disapproval (literally or otherwise) can teach us what is not wanted, but only an expressed REQUEST and INVITATION can clearly tell us what is desired.

ANOTHER DAY OF PERSONAL SEXUAL BREAKTHROUGH

Connie and I continue to evolve in our sexual relationship.  We have not had just one “Aha!” moment in our Married Sex life; we have had (and continue to have) many.  I will NEVER forget the day we crossed this bridge of unexpressed sexual desire.

The cycle of sexual miscommunication existed for quite some time in Connie’s and my relationship until I one day when I got wise and had an idea.  I waited until AFTER we had been intimate on one occasion and we were in a powerful time of cuddling and sharing.  After thinking through my exact wording, I came out with this:  “Hey, let me ask you a question.  What are your favorite parts of when we have sex?  I don’t mean in general.  I mean specifically.  What parts do you like the most?  What part do you enjoy?” I tried to be as open-ended in my inquiry as I could.  I knew that I had not asked a “Yes or No” question.  I had intentionally set myself up for feedback, so I eagerly awaited her response.

I could not have been more disappointed by her answer.  She said in short, “I don’t know…everything I guess.  I mean.  You know.  I don’t know.  I never really thought about it.  I like it all.  I guess.”  I was deflated.  An emotional buzzer went off inside like I had just given the wrong answer in a game show (Wrr. Wrr.  Wrrrrr.)  I was left hanging.  “Oh,” I responded, “Okay.  I was just asking.”

I remember saying over and over to myself, “Never really thought about it???  What does she mean that she never really thought about it?  I think about it all the time: stuff I want to try, things I want to do, etc., etc., etc.  How could she have never really thought about it?  And how could she NOT know what she likes?” I didn’t understand it at the time, but she was being honest.  She had never REALLY thought about it.  Of course, there were things that we did in bed that she enjoyed, but she had never thought about what specific parts, acts, etc. made them enjoyable.  I thought that the conversation was over until…

Fast-forward a few days and we find ourselves talking once again in a post-flight sexual glow.  As we cuddled and huddled, we shared about love and life in general.  When it came time to regroup and gear up for the next day, we got up from the bed and began to put ourselves (and our room) back in order.  While we were milling about, something wonderful happened.

[Start Scene]

Connie: (trying to locate clothing strewn around the room) “Hey, I was thinking about that question that you asked me the other day.  I had never thought about it before, but I have been thinking about it since then.  I was actually thinking about it while we were having our time this afternoon, and you know what I really like?”

Mike: (Neck outstretched with Bible, Pen, and Notebook in hand) “Everything?”

Connie: “Well, yes, everything, but I’m talking about what I really like…

I love it when we are {PERSONAL}… and you are {PRIVATE}… and when I feel you {NUNYA}…and when I see {PSYCH}…and when we both {CLASSIFIED}…and then when you {SECRET} and when we are really {FILL IN YOUR OWN BLANK}, I just feel like ‘Wow!’

Oh, and sometimes, but not all the time, when we are {CONFIDENTIAL} and you {UNDISCLOSED) at the EXACT same moment that you are {HUSH-HUSH} it makes me feel so GOOD all over and I want to scream.”

Mike: (standing in stunned silence with a tear streaming down face as National Anthem plays in background) [hard swallow sound] “Gulp”

Connie: “Are you okay?”

Mike: (nodding) “Uh-huh.  It’s just that you just gave me one of the greatest gifts you have ever given me in our marriage.  I can typically only see/sense what is happening to your body when we are together, but you just given me insight on what is happening in your mind.  Thank you.  You have just ‘made love’ to me with those words.”

(Mike is genuinely moved.  Connie has discovered something about her sexual self that she had not previously recognized.  Both are BETTER lovers than they were just 15 minutes earlier.)

[End Scene]

Wives, think about this for a minute.  What gives you sexual pleasure?  Not in general, but in detail?  What do you like?  Conjure up the images/imaginations in your mind.  What do you see, smell, hear, taste, and feel?  If you could say to your lover right now, “I want you to do this to me,” what would it be?  You may not be able to think about it right off the top of your head, but you need to set your mind to know what it is that drives you WILD.  This is the purpose of our first four Sexercises.

The next time that you are intimate with your husband, PAY ATTENTION to your body and your senses.  What is it that you like?  Once you identify these things, meditate on and visualize them in your mind.  The more you think on it, the more of a craving you will develop.  The pathway to BOTH partners enjoying Great Married Sex begins with your ability to VISUALIZE what brings you pleasure, but it is not complete until it is VERBALIZED to your lover.

CONCLUSION

“Sex was never dirty to me.  After all, God gave us the equipment and the opportunity.  There’s that old saying, ‘If God had meant us to fly, He’d have given us wings.’  Well, look what He did give us.” (Dolly Pardon – Country Music Singer)

Let me close with some encouragement for you both to let loose in the bedroom.  In the words of the great prophet, Prince: “Let’s go crazy.”  Don’t be so afraid of doing wrong that you miss out on all that is right.  It is true that there was ONE tree in the Garden of Eden that Adam and Eve were forbidden to eat.  What is also true is that God told them that they could FREELY eat of ALL the other trees of the garden.  Don’t be so consumed with what you shouldn’t be doing in bed that you miss out on all that you SHOULD be doing.  There are A LOT of trees in Sexual Eden that we can FREELY eat from.

Let’s start enjoying all the sweet, sticky fruit that we can.  It is not nasty or dirty; it’s beautiful.  God gave you these awesome sexual organs (starting with your minds) that respond to sexual pleasure.  He gave them to you for more than reproduction.  In fact, there is no other physiological reason for the clitoris than sexual pleasure.  It is there to be touched and rubbed and massaged and stimulated (in oh so many ways).  What are you waiting for?  You have a legal right to the uninhibited enjoyment of this pleasure with your spouse.

In our research, we came across some disturbing information about common fantasies among women.  Most of the “Top 10 Fantasies” do not even need to be mentioned because they involve bringing “others” into the garden.  There is one that does warrant exposition because of what it implies about Married Sex.  It can be found in many different places, but the scenario goes something like:

“#5 – SEX WITH A STRANGER. No-strings-attached sex is something many women would love to experience, but most are dissuaded from it thanks to a lofty load of self-produced guilt. Nevertheless, her panties definitely get wet at the idea of a gorgeous male approaching her in a dark, smoky bar and taking her back to his room for a long, hot night of wild sex. This female sex fantasy appeals to her naughtiest side —the kinky one that rarely sees the light of day…”

As Connie and I talked about this, I looked over at her and noticed she was shaking her head.  When I inquired, I was both surprised and pleased by her response.  She said, “What would I do in a hotel room with a stranger that I cannot do with my husband?  I mean literally.  What is there left to do?  I am wracking my brain trying to think of ways to let myself go that I can’t/don’t already do with the man I know and love.”

All I can say is “P-O-W-E-R-F-U-L!”

WIVES, don’t dream about how you could be/act with someone else in bed. Seize the day with the love of your life.  Have fun!  Explore.  Get wild.  Just stay inside the walls, and eat of all the fruit that you can get your hands on.  Be an uninhibited vixen with your husband.  Why save it for a stranger that you and God both know that you will never be allowed to meet?  Besides that, you can do ANYTHING you want with your husband guilt-free.  Plus, you can live with yourself the next day.

This goes for HUSBANDS too.  I want each of you to commit to get out of each other’s way sexually.  Hold each other accountable to the garden’s Boundaries, but push each other to explore.  Just get loose with each other.  There is a sexual dynamo in both of you that has been locked down somewhere.  Let it out.  Unleash it on YOUR SPOUSE.

One of the common questions about spicing up our sex lives is, “Wait a minute!  Don’t they do that in porn?”  The answer is probably “Yes!”  They do a lot of things in porn (like missionary sex) that are PERFECTLY acceptable with God.  You wouldn’t throw out the missionary position just because it was in porn.  The things that are wrong in porn are wrong because they are outside the boundaries of Sexual Eden (they contain others, they are not based on servanthood, they are not built on dignity, etc).  This is why they are wrong, not because of the expressions of man/woman sexuality.

Porn has NO place in our lives as Christians, but remember, porn didn’t invent the way our sexual parts work, nor how they like to be viewed/stimulated.  God did.  Porn just twisted something holy into something profane.  Let’s hold on to the God-parts of our sexual relationship and throw out the rest.  Learn your desires and speak your mind.  Become masters at FULFILLING your spouse’s requests and ARTICULATING your own.  I want you to practice:

Your Spouse:  “May I take your order please?”

You:  “Yes.  I would like…”

Then switch it up.  Let them make the request, and you respond with “Coming right up!”

My friends, so many more articles are on their way.  We have received many questions about sex toys.  We are working on a response article called, “Toy Story.”  It has all the usual characters including “Woody,” “Buzz,” and even “Bo Peep.”  Sexercise #3 is soon to be ready too.  Enjoy it.

Connie and I love you.  We still need your feedback.  It helps us keep going.

Stay Frisky,

Pm/pc

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10 thoughts on “Possible Places Your Inner Vixen Could Be Hiding

  1. Just got the link today. Thank you both so much for the openess. These are going to be powerful tools to the belt i think.

    Funny, I was just asked today questions specific to this topic and I think I failed the test of being ready with a comeback. This will help a lot with entering into some of these new conversations. Keep’em coming, and we’ll keep reading, digesting, and talking. Praise God.

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  2. Dude. Amazing. Man, ANY couple can read these blogs and be set free in their marriage. You are both truly awesome. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. This was great!!!!!! Thank you both so much! A very important ministry, there are so little out there. Please turn into a book once you get enough entries!

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  4. I came back to this site for a refresher course and it is a wonder to me how many things I have let slip since we first studied this. I am so thankful for you and your example, PM and PC, Purposing to grow in this area.

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