Sexercise #3: WATCH AND LEARN
This is our third Sexercise in our series on The Power of Married Masturbation. If you have not yet read that article or completed Sexercise #1 and Sexercise #2, then I encourage you to do so before proceeding. These articles and Sexercises build upon each other in a strategic sequence, designed to take you to higher heights in your pursuit of Great Married Sex.
Sexercise #3 is plain and simple, but oh so powerful and important. It will require you to take an extra step toward shame-free nakedness with your spouse. After you read the details of this Sexercise below, talk about your feelings with each other. Some couples may feel like they have done things like this before. I am asking that you consider doing it again, if for no other reason than it is REALLY FUN to do. On the other hand, if you feel shy or awkward about what this assignment requires, then share your feelings with your spouse. Keep talking until you are comfortable enough to follow the instructions all the way to the end. Even if you feel like you can’t arrive at a place of “total peace” with this Sexercise, go ahead and do it “by faith.” What you learn about yourself and your partner will be worth pushing through any awkwardness you may feel.
“WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY, THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR” (Buddhist Proverb)
Sexercise #3 is a self-pleasure exercise that will teach YOUR PARTNER more about you and your sexual arousal. Unlike Sexercise #1 and Sexercise #2, which are about YOU discovering what pleases YOU, Sexercise #3 is about YOUR PARTNER learning more about the patterns of YOUR sexual response. In this Sexercise, YOU have the easy part. It is your partner that needs to be ready to take notes because there will be a test (smile).
Choose a time in which you and your partner will be uninterrupted for approximately 30 minutes. Go to a quiet place where you will be able to relax and be focused on the task “at hand.” Whatever place you choose should have a couch/bed AND a chair of some kind. You and your partner will not be on the same piece of furniture for this assignment.
As weird as this may sound, it would be a good idea for you to both urinate before beginning. You don’t want to have to break the concentration of the exercise unnecessarily. Also, if you feel like a shower would help you relax better and feel more fit for this type of vulnerable intimacy, then feel free to take one first.
The lighting in the room needs to lend itself to easy visibility. Dim lights are okay, but not so much so that it makes viewing your spouse difficult.
Finally, make sure that the room temperature is comfortable enough to be naked and uncovered. If it is too hot or too cold, adjust accordingly. Wives will be naked first so it is best to set the temperature to her liking at the onset. If the temperature needs to be adjusted later to accommodate the husband’s needs, you may adjust it at that time.
The Sexercise will begin with both partners dressed/covered. If you are in your bedclothes, this is acceptable as long as you are wearing something to cover your top and bottom. Bathrobes are also acceptable.
To begin, the husband should sit on a chair (or similar item) with a view of the couch or bed that his wife will soon be laying on. When the husband is comfortably seated (while still covered), the wife and can begin to follow the instructions below.
PHASE ONE: THE TEACHING WIFE & THE STUDENT HUSBAND
1. In full view of your spouse, begin to completely undress. Do this in a manner that you would normally. Do not feel that you must undress in a provocative manner. This undressing is for your spouse’s observation, not for their viewing pleasure. Once you are fully naked, climb on to the bed or couch.
2. With your eyes closed, take a moment to clear your mind. Try taking deep breaths while imagining that you are relaxing each muscle of your body. In your minds eye, start with you toes. Imagine relaxing each of your toes completely. Then, work to your feet. Now up your legs. Follow this with the complete relaxation of your hips, buttocks, abdomen, chest, fingers, arms, neck, and head. Relax your forehead, eyes, cheeks, etc. Hear yourself breathing. Concentrate on taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. The key is to intentionally release any subtle tension that you may have. If playing soft instrumental music (lyrics may be distracting) will help you clear your mind and focus better, then feel free to play some. You will want more than one song so that you don’t have to stop and adjust the music once the exercise has begun.
3. Once you are settled comfortably and feel that your mind is clear, you may begin to pleasure yourself in ANY way that you desire. If you find that you are interested in touching yourself all over, then do it. Or, if you feel that you are sufficiently aroused and you want to move directly to your genitals, then do it. There is no right or wrong way to complete this task. The goal in this Sexercise is to masturbate yourself to orgasm in ANY manner that you see fit…with a few small restrictions:
- You must not allow your focus to shift to that fact that your spouse is watching you. In this Sexercise, YOU are not “performing”- THEY are simply observing. You must be TOTALLY focused on pleasing yourself.
- You must not allow your spouse’s presence to affect the acts, pace, or method in which you achieve orgasm. You must approach your pleasure with a sense of freedom and abandon.
- Only YOUR arousal is important at this time; your spouse’s arousal is a non-factor. Do not touch yourself in a way that you think that your spouse would like to see. More importantly, do not REFRAIN from touching yourself in a manner that you desire. In this Phase, YOU are the teacher. No one should know what to do at this moment better than you.
- It is important that your spouse be able to see you during this self-pleasure session. While you have liberty to pleasure yourself as you desire, don’t make it especially difficult for your student to observe you.
- There is no “proper” way to please yourself. Feel free to sit, stand, kneel, lie on your side/back/stomach, etc. DO WHATEVER gives you the most pleasure.
- You may only use your hands for this Sexercise, no objects or toys please. Oil/Water based lubricant is acceptable if desired.
4. Once you have brought yourself to orgasm (or repeated orgasms), stop your self-caress and relax. When you are completely finished, your clothed/robed spouse may lie next to you and cuddle with you. If the spouse who has just finished masturbating desires clothing (robe/bedclothes) or wants to be covered by a blanket after their self-pleasure is complete, the observing spouse can attend to those needs. Feel free to take up to 10-15 minutes to hold each other in silence and non-sexual touching/embrace.
HUSBANDS: While your wife is completing the “teaching” session above, you should be taking notes in your mind. Your job as a student is to watch the manner in which she pleasures herself. For details about exactly what you should be looking for, visit the FOR STUDENT HUSBANDS ONLY page.
When finished, you may move to Phase 2 below.
PHASE TWO: THE TEACHING HUSBAND & THE STUDENT WIFE
After a sufficient time for bonding has passed, the roles will now be switched. If enough time and non-sexual touching has occurred since the completion of the wife’s self-pleasure session, the husband should be only mildly aroused, if at all. Furthermore, the wife should be sufficiently settled from her post-orgasmic stupor to move to the couch or chair (fully clothed/robed), and assume the role of observer.
After the wife is comfortably seated in the viewing position, the husband should now complete steps 1-3 above. Husbands, when you ejaculate, feel free to release it however you desire. Do not feel compelled to “aim” your ejaculate in any particular direction. Just let it flow out freely. Your total, uninhibited release is important for the success of this Sexercise.
WIVES: While your husband is completing the “teaching” session above, you should be taking notes in your mind. Your job as a student is to watch the manner in which he pleasures himself. For details about exactly what you should be looking for, visit the FOR STUDENT WIVES ONLY page.
After the husband’s climax is complete, there may be a need for clean up. If he is in need of assistance with cleaning up the ejaculate, then wives may feel free to serve him in this manner. If the husband needs to excuse himself momentarily for the purposes of cleaning up, this is also acceptable. Once a BRIEF clean-up effort is complete, both of you should climb on to the bed/couch together. Wives should affirm their husbands at this time with embraces and non-sexual touching. This part of the exercise can be completed with or without clothing.
Once sufficient time for bonding and affirmation has passed, feel free to follow your passions or desires. If non-sexual intimacy is desired, proceed together. Or, if sexual intimacy is desired, pursue it without restraint. If you have a differing of desire, quickly agree to fulfill your spouses desires beginning with the sexual first, followed by (sincere and whole-hearted) non-sexual.
At some point soon after the assignment is complete (or even the next day), take some time to discuss your observations about each other. Share what you saw and ask any questions that you may have. Get understanding about yourself and your lover.
- Share what was going through your mind as you were “teaching.”
- Share what was going through your mind while you were “learning.”
- Ask any questions that come to mind about what you saw or felt, even questions that seem “dumb.” Be vulnerable in your ignorance. Ask things like, “Why did you…? What were you thinking while you were..?” and so on.
Share intimately and freely, not only during this conversation, but also as new things come up in your minds as the days go by. You are not only trying to understand your lover, but also to make sure your lover has a better understanding of you. Sometimes, just by asking and answering questions, you may be able to not only clarify things for your partner, but also in your own mind.
The bond that can be created out of this type of vulnerability is priceless, and the practical dividends as it relates to knowing yourself and your lover better are second to none. This is an act that can be repeated often in our Great Married Sex lives.
Congratulations, you have completed the first three Sexercises. There is only one more in this section on The Power of Married Masturbation. It is a unique twist on this assignment that will probably become a favorite for both of you. We will move on to mutual pleasure Sexercises from there.
Connie and I love you,