The One Danger INSIDE the Garden

This article is the second part of our study of Sexual Eden.  If you have not yet read part one, please click here.

We have spent considerable time on Great Married Life covering The Boundaries of Sexual Eden.  We have discovered that experiencing God’s original design for glorious Married Sex requires us to dwell within the walls of the garden.

To the North, we discover the boundary of Exclusivity.

To the South, we discover the boundary of Servanthood.

To the East, we discover the boundary of Dignity, Mutuality, and Respect.

To the West, we discover the boundary of Love.

If we are to be naked and unashamed with our spouse (and pure before God as well), all of these boundaries must be respected and honored.  Only when they are thoroughly understood and consistently maintained will we be able to enjoy GOD’S BEST in our Married Sex lives.

Now that we are safely inside the Boundaries, however, we must address a new danger that is to be found inside Sexual Eden.  This is something that many couples can fall into unwittingly despite their best efforts to honor each other and the Lord.  If this danger is not known, we run the risk of transgressing against God and our partner.  On the other hand, once it is made clear, we can proceed with our sexual exploration with greater enjoyment and abandon than ever.

This article is designed to answer a lot of questions about what we should and should not be doing in Sexual Eden.  It will get very sexually graphic as we progress, but please allow me to lay a biblical foundation for this lesson first.


To understand the potential danger within Sexual Eden, we need to firmly grasp the sin that occurred in the original Garden of Eden.  The subtleties of what took place there are worth considering in all areas of our human existence, especially in the area of Married Sex.  Read the following verse carefully:

“And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” (Genesis 2:9)

This verse presents a picture of the true nature of desire and appetite.  It is describing the particular way that God made the garden that man was to be placed in.  God created the trees to appeal to man’s fleshly senses and appetites. It may sound strange to think of God as being interested in making things that would appeal to our fleshly appetites, but this is what the Bible records.

When God made the trees, He made them to correspond to the desires that He had previously placed in man.  First, He made man’s senses (sight, touch, taste, smell, hearing) and appetites (food, sex, shelter, abundance, etc).  Once man was wired to desire certain things (internally), God made things in the garden that corresponded with those desires (externally).  God didn’t make trees and fruit that man would not be drawn to.  He made things that He KNEW would appeal to the man that He had made.  This point is of utmost importance.

Now that man was made and the trees were set, we see the next powerful step in matching man to his desires: God’s permission, endorsement, and limitation.

“And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:  But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.” (Genesis 2:16-17)

It is important that we see this verse in Scripture because of its clear message about God’s willingness (and encouragement) to us in the area of our desires.  We have the idea in religious circles that (1) God made us with certain desires, (2) placed us in a world that calls out to those desires, then (3) put rules in place that prevent us from fulfilling those desires.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  The truth is that God (1) gave man desires, (2) placed him in a world with things that call out to those desires, and then (3) told man to FREELY ENJOY those things.  God had no intention of putting man in torment.  He wanted man to be fulfilled.

There is an interesting point to note here, however.  God did set one limitation upon man.  There was one tree that he was forbidden to eat from.  This speaks volumes about God and us as humans.  First, it tells us that there must always be some form of self-governance in the enjoyment of desire.  God wants us joyfully full, but not limitlessly reckless.  The very fact of this commandment lets us know that although we are made in God’s image, we are not sovereign.  Secondly, this limitation reveals something powerful about man, namely that even though he had EVERY OTHER TREE in the garden, he was not satisfied.  There is something about us that is able to demand more than what God has offered.  Even if God had given man the fruit from 1,000 trees, it is likely that he would have wanted it from 1,001.

As the story progresses, one day a serpent approaches the Eden couple.  A conversation takes place, and in seemingly short order, the following occurs:

“And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.” (Genesis 3:6)

Here we finally see the danger inside of the garden.  It was not their fleshly appetites that caused the problem for them.  Being drawn to the tree because of what they saw and what they thought would taste good was a divine thing.  Adding in the sense of power that they thought they would gain from eating it, however, is where the sin took place.  God made the senses and the appetites.  There were plenty of other trees that could fulfill them.  This tree presented something else.  By eating this tree, they were wanting more than a fulfilled appetite; they were wanting an internal feeling of power that was only to be reserved for God.  Had they just stayed focused on the senses and appetites, they would have been fine.  When they reached for something more, that’s where their (our) troubles began.


This blog is about Married Sex, not about the fall of man.  There are, nevertheless, parallels that we can draw from these passages that directly relate to where we live as couples.  It is important that we understand these parallels deeply so that we may get the most out of our Married Sex lives.

First, we must accept the fact that God has not only given us the “desires”, but also the “trees” that would appeal to those desires.  In the context of marriage, our sex drives represent the desires and our sexual relationship (all that is encompassed in sex and sexuality with our mate) represents the trees.  We should (if we are healthy and whole) want sex/sexual release and expression with each other.  God implanted the craving for it within us, and then gave us marriage to act upon it.  What’s more, He did not tell us to act on it with hesitation.  He has said to “freely” enjoy.  We should, therefore, enjoy sex freely with each other all the way to the “edges” of the garden.  It should be wild.  It should be passionate.  It should be uninhibited…with one tiny exception.

At some point in our exploration and enjoyment of Sexual Eden, we must draw the line between the “sensations” that we feel and the things that we may be tempted to “sense” in our sexual expression. On the surface, they may sound the same, but they are, in fact, quite different.  Sensations are the part of our sexual relationship with our spouse that God has given us permission to freely pursue.  The things that we sense during this pursuit, on the other hand, must be held to some level of scrutiny/investigation.

Connie and I are often asked about which acts, positions, etc. are acceptable for married Christians.  People seem to want to know what is considered “okay” in the marriage bed.  The answer is simple: whatever feels good is acceptable.  I know that the very idea of “whatever feels good” may send up a huge caution flag internally, but it is the absolute truth.  When you are inside the garden walls, and you are honoring all of its boundaries, then you should feel free to go after whatever feels good to you both.  To hesitate to enjoy WHATEVER feels good in your sexual relationship with your spouse would be as foolish as hesitating to freely eat from all the trees of the garden.  Only one tree was off limits; the rest were wide open.

With this in mind, you as a married couple must ask the following questions:

“What sensations feel good?  What things appeal to my senses – sight, taste, touch, hearing, and smell?  What things in my Married Sex life feed my appetite for sexual release?”


Try to imagine what it was like for Adam and Eve in the garden together.  They had never seen another person.  They had never seen the opposite sex before.  They had never been to a “health/sex ed” class.  They had never seen pornography.  They had never heard their friends talk about sex.  All they had was each other, and the first “National Geographic channel” to watch the animals live/mate.  How did they figure out what to do?  Part of it was (no doubt) by divine programming.  The rest was from experimentation.

Think about your body.  Think of all of the nerve endings that God placed ALL OVER you: head, face, chest, nipples, abdomen, genitals, back, shoulders, legs, feet, toes, etc.   Think of all the places it feels good to be touched, licked, rubbed, pinched, patted, squeezed, etc.  Our bodies are ALIVE with sensory receptors that make us feel good.

Not all people liked to be touched in the same ways, but unless you were abused or damaged along the way (which some have been unfortunately), ALL of us have ways that we liked to be touch.  What’s more, when we are in a state of sexual arousal, certain places become alive in an entirely different way.  This is all by God’s design.  NONE of it is nasty or sinful.  It is GLORIOUS for each other and pure before God.  As long as we are alone with each other, serving each other, respectful to each other, and loving each other, “it’s ALL good.”

If you can grasp this point, it should free you in your exploration of Great Married Sex.  Touch, poke, rub, lick, stroke, pinch, squeeze, pull, etc. in ANY place and in ANY way that it FEELS good to do so.  It is true that one spouse may not like the same things as the other, but because we are sexual servants, we make sure that both spouse’s desires are fulfilled.  We have heaven’s full endorsement to act out on what appeals to our sexual appetites and our five senses.  We can freely enjoy what is good for food and pleasant to the eyes (senses).

Every good-feeling sensation can and should be experienced with our lovers.  They are part of the trees that are good for food and pleasant to the eyes.  It is the gift of God to enjoy the sights, tastes, sounds, smells, and touches that are to be found within our Married Sex life inside the garden.


There is only one area of caution in this enjoyment, but it is VERY IMPORTANT.  We must be careful not to reach for a sense of certain ungodly things while we are enjoying these sensations.  We should not be trying to add to the sensations in an attempt to gain from them what God does not desire for us to have.

At first this may be a seemingly difficult concept to grasp, but it is paramount if we desire to please God.  In Sexual Eden, God does not mind us freely enjoying the sensual pleasures of the fruit.  The problem is when we want the tree to give us/our spouse an inward feeling of power and elevation.  This moves away from the pure and simple sensations that the trees provide for us to reach for a “sense” of something more.

When you look at certain expressions of your sexual relationship with your spouse, these distinctions between “sensation” and “sense” become very clear.  Let’s look at some of the elements of our Married Sex lives in which these two play significant roles.  As you look at these, keep in mind that you have God’s permission to FREELY pursue the sensations.  At the same time, however, we are required to be skeptical about wanting to “sense” certain things that God has not ordained.

We will address each of these with detailed instructions in the future, but let us help you out a little now.  As always, the following thoughts are offered based on the assumption that you are physiologically and emotionally healthy enough for sex.  If there are physical or emotional limitations (due to abuse, etc.) then you may need to walk this out in a modified way.  Otherwise…


The Sensations that God Approved –

Go for it!  Dress yourself up.  Look sexy for you and your spouse.  Feel sexy.  Wear sexy stuff all day.  Put on sexy stuff for special sexual occasions. Wear what makes you feel good.  Wear what makes your spouse feel good.  If you do not enjoy the same stuff, then alternate.  Sometimes, dress for you.  Other times, dress for your spouse.

The “Sense” of Things You Should Avoid –

Lingerie is good, but NOT if you NEED it to get aroused.  Lingerie should just put your spouse’s body in some nice “wrapping.”  When you NEED to see your spouse in certain clothing to find pleasure/arousal, then there is an issue.  Their body should be the objective, not the “sense” of who they/you feel that they/you are when they are wearing it.

Also, the types of outfits matter as well.  Lingerie can and should be fun.  It can be light and flowery (nighties, teddies, etc.).  It can also be sultry and bold (peek-a-boos, crotch-less panties and the like).  It should never be degrading (bondage, violence-focused).  Be skeptical of the “sense” you get from seeing your spouse in a position of weakness, slut-iness, pain, or “dirtiness.”

Furthermore, be skeptical about the sense you get by seeing your spouse as “innocent.”  Sometimes want to see our wives as pretty and delicate.  Sometimes, we want to see them as powerful and vixen-like.  Be cautious, however, when you desire to see them as virgin/untouched.

Be careful when you enjoy the sense that you feel you are with a young “girl” instead of with your wife.  Cheerleader outfits can be very appealing.  It can be nice to see your wife cheering with nothing (or very little) on under her skirt or jersey.  At the same time, be concerned if you are fed by the idea of her being in high school, etc.  Also, be cautious of the “school girl” outfits.  If it is your spouse ALONE that you are drawn to, then no problem.  If, however, you are being fed by the feeling that you are with a young girl, you need to stop at once.  You are reaching for the wrong things from the tree.

Wives, you must also be mindful here.  Don’t play games or roles in which you enjoy the “sense” of being punished, shamed, bullied, or even “fathered” by your husband.  You may find the feeling of being taken advantage of or of deflowering/being deflowered to be arousing and erotic, but it is not God’s intention.  Also avoid the sense of being “victimized.”  All of this must be left alone, and you must seek God on why you crave such inward feelings.


The Sensations that God Approved –

Go for it!  Do it in any way that you are physically able to do it.  Legs up.  From behind.  On top.  On bottom.  Side by side.  On the floor.  On the counter.  Over the sofa.  On the stairs.  Twist into a pretzel if you like.  Do it any way that it FEELS good.  Again, what feels good may not be the same for both of you.  You are each other’s servant; make sure your partner’s desires get fulfilled.

The “Sense” of Things You Should Avoid –

Different positions are fun, but not when they are used as power plays.  Be careful that you don’t reach to sense that you or your lover is a “victim” or “slave.”  Sometimes, it is erotic to call the shots in bed.  It can be fun to say “Do this like this or that.”  At the same time, we must not attempt to “sense” some position of domination through our expressed desires.

Let me interject something here about spanking.  The lover’s slap or pinch that brings a tinge of pain is scientifically proven to enhance sexual arousal.  When we are aroused, our blood is flowing at an accelerated pace.  When we are “smacked” or pinched/pulled, etc. there can be an enjoyable sensation that comes along with it.  If you find this to be enjoyable, then follow the sensation.  There can be joy in seeing the ripple of a slapped backside or even hearing the sound.  There can also be enjoyment found in the pinch of a nipple, etc.  If, however, you get a sense of “power” from “punishing” or “being punished,” then you need to take this before the Lord as a couple.

Oral Sex

The Sensations that God Approved –

Go for it!  Forget the hang-ups.  If your spouse tells you that it feels good when you stimulate them with your lips, mouth, tongue, etc., then do it.  And you need to get in on it too.  If you can get past the mental obstacles of being “dirty” and just follow the sensations, you will be surprised what you find you may like.  God made your body.  He knows what feels good to it.  He gave you a spouse to provide that pleasure.  If you have never freely given yourselves over to try full-body kissing and oral attention, you may be missing out on something really special between you.

The “Sense” of Things You Should Avoid –

This can be a Great Married Sex gift to your spouse, but we must not see it as an act given to us because we are powerful.  There is a fine line between prompting/coaching your lover’s oral caresses and exulting in the “power” that you can feel by pushing/pulling their head while pleasuring you.  This goes for men and women.  Direction: yes.  Control: no.

Let me also address something here about “swallowing.”  Many men feel that oral sex would be better if their wives would swallow their ejaculate.  For some men, this is a BIG deal.  It gives them a “sense” that their wives love them more deeply.  Be cautious here.  While there is nothing wrong (medically/spiritually speaking) with a wife swallowing her husband’s ejaculate, there is also no additional sensation to it for the man.   Let me explain further.

It can be helpful to a man’s enjoyment of oral sex if he is able to ejaculate into his wife’s mouth.  I know that this is a rough idea for some people to hear.  Some women are repulsed (unnecessarily) by semen.  We will deal with that soon.  Nevertheless, if a woman is able to continue performing oral sex on her husband all the way through his ejaculation without interrupting the oral pleasuring, this can often further the enjoyment for the man.  Note, however, that ejaculating into his wife’s mouth is NOT essential for pleasure.  If a couple is able to work out signals that indicate when he is about to ejaculate, there are several options of what can be done, not the least of which is to remove the penis from her mouth and finish pleasuring him by hand.  Using a condom during oral sex can sometimes work as well.  We will talk about gels, flavors, etc. in the future.

Swallowing becomes an issue when a man is craving the “sense” of something that is not related to the “sensation” of oral sex.  If he has had a climax into his wife’s mouth (or otherwise), there is nothing new to be gained in the area of pleasure than what has already been provided.  For him to reach for something from his wife beyond this is to crave a “sense” of something other than the sensation that God ordained.  Some men are in contention with their wives over the fact that they may have swallowed another man’s semen in their sexual pasts.  Some men feel like this means that their wives may have been more sexually dedicated to another man’s desires.  While it is true that we should not deprive our spouse’s/selves of full, exclusive exploration simply because of what we have shared with others, swallowing semen does not fit in that category – simply because it is not tied directly to a sensation/appetite.

Let me say clearly again that if a couple is comfortable with “swallowing,” then so be it.  Our issue is not with what couples have agreed upon together (that is within the garden walls).  Our issue is when any spouse wants another spouse to do something because of the “sense” that it provides to them.  Swallowing does nothing for the touch, sight, sound, smell, or hearing of the man.  Nor does it do more to satisfy the male appetite.  It only provides a “sense” for him that may or may not be purely sought.  Some couples may need to take this before the Lord in conversation and prayer.

Anal Sex/Play

The Sensations that God Approved –

Again, this is one of those taboo areas for most people.  We will cover it in great detail in future posts, but let me say again: follow the sensation.  God has placed a lot of nerve endings in and around this area that you may find pleasurable when they are stimulated.  It may just be rubbing.  It may be penetration with a finger, etc.  Each person is different, but no one is to be condemned if they have discovered that they enjoy the feeling of being stimulated in these ways.  Talk it through.  You may find something wonderful there for one or both of you.  Or, you may find that it is not something you enjoy.  In either case, follow the sensation freely WITHOUT SHAME before each other or God.

The “Sense” of Things You Should Avoid –

Following the sensation is good.  If there is pleasure there, then do it.  If, on the other hand, there is something more that you are wanting to sense, be cautious.

To both of you: If you find that the arousal is better for you because of the “sense” that this is something that “bad girls” do/like, then take it before the Lord.  We should not find arousal in being bad or dirty.

For men who enjoy anal stimulation by their wives, search your own hearts together with your spouse.  If it is the pleasure that is all you are pursuing, then feel free to enjoy it.  If, however, you as a man enjoy the “sense” of being penetrated by a “man,” or if it gives you the feeling that you “sense” what a woman feels like, then you need to leave these acts alone.

Wives, if you are pleasuring your husband in this way because he enjoys the sensation, then no problem.  If, however, you find that you enjoy the “sense” of playing a male role in this penetration, then that is an area that you need to examine and adjust in your thinking.

Sex Toys

The Sensations that God Approved –

Sex toys can be a wonderful way to bring each other pleasure.  Many people argue that sex toys should be avoided because they provide sensations that the human body cannot duplicate.  Silly logic!  THANK GOD for modern technology.  THANK GOD for things that heighten our sensations when we are with our partner.  When you think of sex toys, you need to think in terms of things that “add to the sexual experience that you SHARE with your spouse.”  What types of things add to the experience?

Small Additions:  Silk sheets, smell-good candles, furry blankets, bubble baths, massage oils, etc. are all “additions.”  The human body cannot reproduce them, but they all can play a part in our sexual sharing with each other.

Medium Additions: Warming/tingling lubricants, flavored/ribbed/studded condoms, edible gels/creams, etc. are also things that the human body can’t reproduce.  They can, however, add to the beauty of our Married Sex life.

Major Additions: Vibrators, Dildos, Position Wedges, g-spot massagers, etc. can also be shared with a partner for tremendous joy and pleasure.

The “Sense” of Things You Should Avoid –

Sex toys are not made to replace or compete with your spouse.  Nor are they meant to be a “third” person in the marriage bed.  We must not become dependant on them to the point where we don’t enjoy each other any more without assistance from the toy.  If you feel that this may be happening to you or your spouse, you need to talk it out.

Be careful inserting things into the vagina that compete with your husband’s penis.  You want to avoid getting a feeling of fullness from a toy that is greater than what you get from your spouse.  Most men fall within a range of penis size that is more than adequate to provide a sense of fullness for their wives.  On occasion (because of “others”), some wives wrestle with a feeling that their husbands are too small to please them.  This takes a lot of discussion and mind renewal for both partners.  We will deal with size matters a lot in future posts.  Some men have what is known as a “micro-penis.”  This has many implications in which toys, surgery, etc. can be viable solutions.  We will cover this in time.

In some cases with some toys, it can be pleasurable for some men to see a toy inserted into his wife’s vagina/anus, especially if she seems to be enjoying it.  Not all toys are of a size to be intimidating.  Not all men are intimidated.  On occasion, a man may like to watch his wife being penetrated with pleasure from a toy because of two reasons.  First, he may like the idea of her vagina/anus being “hungry” for penetration, and this may build his anticipation to penetrate her.  Second, he may like to think of the toy as himself.  It can be arousing to imagine that it is his penis that is sliding in and out of her.  The visual stimulus can be very arousing for a man.  The danger part can happen when either the woman or her lover use a toy to imagine that another is doing the penetrating.  This is not honorable before God or to each other.

If you are using a toy in any manner, keep your mind on the fact that it is a toy.  Don’t let your mind go to the place of using it as a stand-in for others in ANY WAY!

Vibrators can be fun for both spouses.  They produce an intense sensation that is unique (not necessarily better).  They can bring an element of variety to our sexual repertoire.  Using a vibrator together can be fun simply because it is enjoyable to watch your lover experience pleasure.  You should enjoy seeing them enjoy their sexual release.  Any type of vibrating toy can provide that in a different and exciting way.

We will do our detailed article on toys in the future, but here are a few tips for now.  We need to give these because so many Great Married Life members are buying things so quickly that we feel that we need to set some high-level guidelines in place until we can cover the rest.  Keep these in mind:

  1. Avoid anything that replicates human anatomy.  Yes, vibrators, etc. are often cylindrical.  This is because the places that they are going are shaped that way.  At the same time, avoid getting anything that is meant to look like a penis.  Also, avoid things that are meant to look like mouths, vaginas, anuses, etc.  Get as many “cylinder-shaped tubes” (for women) or “tight-slotted contraptions” (for men) as you desire to share with each other, but avoid the intentional “simulation” of other people’s body parts.
  2. When shopping for lingerie, shop wisely.  Some of the sites, etc. use nude women to model the items.  If you are a woman, this is usually okay, but if you are a man that is shopping for your wife, try to find sites/stores that don’t use nude models.  If you MUST use such a site or store, shop WITH your wives so that they can help you stay pure and un-tempted.
  3. Experiment cheaply.  There are many things that may look like fun, but they may not always deliver.  We received a note from a group member that said that things were going great in their “Toy Story” until the pieces started to die on them right in the middle of the action.  This may happen.  If you get some things, start on the cheap side.  If you find something that you like, then consider a more sizable investment.
  4. Find a storage place that is out of the eyes of prying little ones or (even more importantly) away from where teens may look.  They do not have the maturity (or discretion) to handle knowing that their parents are “freaks” in the bedroom.
  5. SHARE the experience with your partner.  Don’t leave each other out, and don’t feel left out.  If there is an issue, TALK, TALK, and TALK about it.
  6. Don’t become “addicted” or “dependent.”  If you find that they toy has/is dulling your pleasure/desire for the real thing, put in some rules/boundaries or throw it out.  Period.
  7. Don’t expect more from toys than they offer.  An orgasm is an orgasm.  They only vary slightly.  Toys are just variations, not “saviors.”  They can and will make loving fun IF you use them in their right manner and view them from this sober perspective.


The bottom line to all of this is that the sensations are all of God, but the imaginations (or things that we “sense”) may not always be.  When it comes to sensations, take the brakes off and explore fully.  When it comes to the “sense” of things, weigh each one in the light of the Eden revelation.  Sexercise #4 is on the way.  It is “sure to please.”

Connie and I love you.  We NEED to hear from you.  Detailed testimonies, questions, struggles, and/or victories HELP US SO MUCH.  We have even set up the blog so that you can now comment anonymously.  We are hoping that many will share.

Stay Frisky,



4 thoughts on “The One Danger INSIDE the Garden

  1. this was a good article. i am glad youi shared the things you did. i think i am freaky and have to constantly remind myself of rthe boudasries. we have traved to resorts thast have nude and prude sides and i have enjoyed doing it wherever without worry of going to jail we have been watched and we have watched. i have felt close to my wife after leaving and was looking foreward to going back to Hedo. however after this study i have second guess going and wondered would taming the wildness lead me to straying. i know this doesnt aound spiritual but its real.


  2. @anonymous – the answer to your question depends on the source of your life/marriage worldview. If you are living from a Biblical worldview, then my counsel would be that ANYTHING that involves seeing others uncovered in a sexual light would be outside of God’s intention – as would knwoingly having others see you. At the same time, if you do not live from a Biblical worldview, then I think that what you and your spouse are doing is fine as long as it only involves concenting adults. It just depends on where you are coming from and what your standards are. I so APPRECIATE that your comment/question was authentic. I am trying to be equally authentic in my response. Hope this helps some – GML


  3. This was SUCH a great post. My husband and I read it together and I found myself blushing at the more explicit parts. This was so liberating — God really does put us with our spouses to enjoy eachother within the garden. You are the first pastor I have ever heard talk this way about oral sex. My husband and I enjoy eachother very much, but in the past whenever I’ve heard oral sex mentioned in the context of “sexual sins in marriage”, I cringe and think, “Is this really wrong? I thought the marriage bed was undefiled?” Thank you for your explicit and liberating honesty (even if it does make me blush).


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