Sexercise #4 – “Show & Tell” and Share
All of our previous articles and Sexercises have brought us to this BOLD POINT in our pursuit of Great Married Sex. Sexercise #4 is simply about you offering yourself up for your spouse’s pleasure. It is about you playing a pliable and servant-based role by allowing them enjoy you/your body in pursuit of their sexual pleasure and release.
Sexercise #4 is the final part in our study of The Power of Married Masturbation. It is where everything that we have built so far culminates in a combination of free sexual expression and uninhibited sexual vulnerability. If you have not read the main article in this series and/or you have not completed the three previous Sexercises, click here to begin. If, on the other hand, you have been following these Sexercises and articles in sequence, then you should be more than prepared to take this next step.
Remember, like all other things that we cover on this site, COMMUNICATION is the key. You need to talk about your feelings on each article and Sexercise. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings with your spouse. Talk things out BEFORE and AFTER each assignment. If you feel you get stuck at a place of shame, embarrassment, or even hesitation, go back and talk about the issues over and over again. Most importantly, DON’T STOP! These articles and Sexercises will take you some place POWERFUL as a couple ONLY IF you can communicate through them.
IT IS TIME TO SHIFT OUR FOCUS
In Sexercise #1, you spent time WITH your spouse discovering the various parts of your body and how they respond to different forms of self-stimulation.
In Sexercise #2, you spent time APART from your spouse to allow both of you to discover the things that most easily brought you orgasmic pleasure so you could share them with each other.
In Sexercise #3, you got to observe your spouse in a self-pleasuring session so that you could better understand their patterns of stimulation and response.
In Sexercise #4, we are still dealing with Married Masturbation, but we are dealing with it from a different perspective. In this assignment, YOU are going to play a stimulating role in YOUR SPOUSE’S self-pleasure. Instead of just understanding yourself and observing your spouse, you are now going to assist them in making their masturbation session MOST enjoyable.
Sexercise #4 is actually designed in response to a question that was asked by a woman in the GML group in response to something that I said in my first article, Me Not Always Horny, but Me Love You All the Time. In dealing with the common issue of spouses not always being in sexual-sync with one another, I offered the idea of “sharing your body” with your spouse so that they could enjoy pleasure WITH you, even when you may not have been in a sexual mood. Upon reading this statement, a woman wrote me a very simple question: “Pastor Connie, how do I share my body with my husband?” Simply put, she was wondering how she could actually be sharing herself with her husband if they were not actually having intercourse. It is this question that is the heartbeat behind this final Married Masturbation Sexercise.
Sexercise #4 is something that you will both want to keep as part of your on-going sexual repertoire. In fact, this is not a one-time deal. When you learn the power of the sexual sharing that can take place in this assignment, you will not only hold onto it as an “alternative” to intercourse, but on occasion, it may even be a “preference” to intercourse.
PART ONE – SHOW & TELL
The first part of Sexercise #4 deals with offering your body to your spouse as a form of visual sexual stimulation. Simply put, your spouse is going to look at you in a sexual light while they masturbate. Though this may sound similar to what we have done so far, it is actually quite different. Instead of YOU watching your spouse do things that are bringing THEM pleasure, you are going to watch YOUR SPOUSE do things designed to bring YOU pleasure.
In the first part of our Married Masturbation Sexercises, the PRIMARY intention was for you to find pleasure for yourself. If your spouse also became aroused at the sight/thought of you pleasuring yourself, this was an acceptable SECONDARY outcome. This time, we are reversing that order. In this mission, your spouse will be doing things that are aimed primarily to bring YOU pleasure. If THEY are also receiving arousal/stimulation through this process, then that is an acceptable secondary outcome.
This time together can be extremely erotic and pleasurable for you both if you will dive in without shame or fear. Remember, if you can’t be totally uninhibited with your spouse, then with whom will you ever be able to fully let yourself go?
Read the entire assignment below and then set a time to begin. It may be something that you want to do right away, or it may be something that you take some time to plan out to make it very special. It is also good to do it both ways – right NOW and PLANNED OUT well for a day/time in the near future.
For the Show-er: Your goal is to become more comfortable with being seen in a sexual light by your spouse and to more directly embrace your role as an object of their sexual desire and release.
For the Tell-er: Your goal is to become more comfortable with freely sharing your sexual desires for and with your spouse, and to be at peace with allowing your spouse to serve you in a sexual capacity that is intended purely for their pleasure.
Sexercise #4 will take approximately 30 minutes to complete. As always, you need to find a quiet place where you can be totally focused on this VERY intense session of Married Sex. It is my suggestion that the lighting be set to create a mood that is intimate and inviting, but not so dark as to make it difficult to see each other clearly.
Before this assignment is over, you will both experience a powerful, self-induced orgasm that was enhanced by your spouse’s whole-hearted and joyful participation. Because you will both be having an orgasm, it is up to you whether the husband or the wife gets to have their orgasm first. There are pros/cons to either order so there is no right/wrong answer. Just decide who gets their pleasure first, and move to the next step.
As always, if you will feel more comfortable taking a shower before you begin, please do.
Part One of this Sexercise is called Show & Tell for a reason. To begin, the spouse that will be the first to Masturbate needs to find a comfortable place to do so. This can be on a bed/couch or in a chair. Wherever they choose to go is based on two factors: (1) where they are the most comfortable so that they can masturbate freely and (2) where they can clearly observe the “show” that their partner is putting on for them. One final factor is that the masturbating spouse should be wearing as much or as little as they desire. If they want to be completely naked, that is fine. Or, if they desire to be fully/partially clothed or robed, that is okay as well.
Once the masturbating spouse is comfortably in place, the assisting spouse is ready to begin. Your only job as the assisting spouse is to do things that the masturbating spouse will find stimulating. In addition to things that you may do that you think that your spouse will find appealing, you will also be taking instructions from your spouse. That is the “tell” part of this Sexercise.
At this point, the couple needs to make a decision about how this will flow. As a couple, you may want to discuss ahead of time the things that you would like to see your spouse do in the Show & Tell session. You may need to take some time to think about and discuss the things that you would like to see during your self-pleasure time. This can be a powerful discussion because it may surprise you to hear some of the things that your spouse may want you to do for THEIR pleasure.
GET PAST THE AWKWARDNESS
When you are the spouse doing the telling (or giving the instructions), BE HONEST and FREELY express your desire. What do you really want to see your spouse do? We have worked through so many self-touch exercises that they should be more than comfortable about being naked and touching themselves in front of you. Don’t be embarrassed to ask them to do something that you have never asked before. This is your time to masturbate in a way that gives you the MOST pleasure. Unlike any previous exercise, you don’t have to imagine your spouse doing certain things. You can build the scenario the way you desire to build it. Express what you want even if you run the risk of being embarrassed. We hope your spouse gives you everything that you desire!
When you are the spouse doing the showing, don’t be resistant or difficult. SERVE YOUR LOVER. You may hear your spouse request something that you feel may be odd, silly, or bizarre. Don’t belittle or shame their request. Keep a poker face. If you react too harshly or critically, you could undermine their confidence to share their feelings/desires with you in the future. Trust me, you don’t want them having desires to share with you that they feel they cannot. You want to be your spouse’s EVERYTHING.
Furthermore, when you are putting on the show, don’t be shy or embarrassed. If they are asking you to do certain things, it is because it turns THEM on, not necessarily you. Just go for it. The show that you are putting on is not designed to help you have an incredible orgasm; it is designed to make your partner’s pleasure more intense. You may be tempted to feel shy being naked in front of your spouse and doing poses/actions that are not your first choice. Our advice is to get free. Get into it. Spice it up. Be passionate. Play the part. You may be surprised to find that when you know that you are whirling your spouse into a custom-made orgasmic frenzy that you will become pretty turned on yourself.
Here are some tips for you to put on a great show-
- Don’t start cold. It may be good to start dressed and let your opening be a sensual undress. This can be with some music playing if it helps you to relax. You may not be ready to put on a strip tease yet (which we will train you how to do in the future), but you will find that slow, intentional disrobing with flirty/passionate eye contact will go a long way. If you feel like a little dance or sensual motion, then go for it.
- Wives, you may just want to start a simple side-to side little dance while you begins to undress layer by layer. Take your time. Don’t just get right to the fun parts. Work up to them. Remember eye contact. Turn around. Let your husband take your body in with his eyes. He may be just watching or he may already be touching himself.
- For a husband, it may be good for a wife to begin with simple directions. “Slowly take off your shirt,” “Unbutton your pants and slowly slide them down,” etc. may be an ideal way to start. Continue this in whatever manner you desire until your husband is disrobed to the level of your liking.
- For some individuals/couples, this Sexercise may seem very difficult or even excessive/unnecessary. The goal here is to get you to be at peace with your spouse viewing you in a sexual light for THEIR sexual pleasure. Sometimes, we can be so burdened by the idea of “not thinking about ourselves” that we can end up on a place of sexual dissatisfaction. In this Sexercise, we remove all excuses. You should find this as a great opportunity to enjoy a fantasy that falls within the boundaries of Sexual Eden. This is not only a good place for couples to start their unhindered garden exploration, but a place to return to often.
- For this Sexercise, we are using no toys or aids of any kind (lingerie, vibrators, dildos, etc.). The only exception to this is if the masturbating spouse desires to use some lubricant to pleasure himself or herself more effectively.
- Once your spouse is disrobed, the instructions (previously given or otherwise) become even more important. Tell-er, don’t be afraid to give the instructions that you want. Show-er, don’t be afraid to follow them.
- The telling that takes place here can be from very simple to very elaborate. They can also be very specific instructions or just general ideas/suggestions.
- Simple instructions can include things like: “I just want to look at you naked while I masturbate.” “Will you lay down and spread your legs for me?” “I want to watch you pleasure yourself while I watch and pleasure myself.”
- To facilitate conversation, look at the following ideas for things husbands can request of their wives. Not all of these may suit every man (not all of them suit Mike). We have tried to present ideas that will spark an idea of your own. Feel free to use all or none of them. They are simply offered as a way to bring up ideas/topics that the husband MAY find desirable. Some of these are very intense. Be forewarned. For some couples, nearly all of these things will be way beyond their sexual norms. For others, all of these are will appear tame. Be clear though: NONE of them are beyond the boundaries of Sexual Eden. You should be open to all of them and only restrained by your husband’s desire or arousal level with each one. Some of these are performed standing and others will be better suited for sitting/laying down.
These are not on any order/sequence.
- “Touch your body. Rub yourself all over.”
- “Play with your breasts. Rub/squeeze/tease your nipples.”
- “Dance slowly. Move your hips from side to side.”
- “Rub your hands through your pubic hair and between your legs”
- “Turn around. Rub your backside”
- “Bend over. Spread your legs. Open wide so that I can see your vagina”
- “Squat down or thrust up and down”
- “Touch your vagina. Play with your clitoris. Finger yourself.”
- “Place your fingers in/around your vagina. Use some of the lubricant to play with your breasts/nipples.”
- “Turn around. Smack your bottom.”
- “Bend over. Spread your buttocks. Play with your anus.”
- “Jiggle or shake your buttocks/breasts.”
- “Masturbate for me.”
- “Close your eyes.”
- “Look at me.”
- “Talk dirty to me. Tell me what you want me to do to you. Tell me that you are turned on by me/my penis.”
Along these same lines, wives may make similar requests of their husbands as the ones above that are adapted to the male anatomy. Many women may not find any/all of these things visually appealing, but all women should be allowed to express any desire that they have. Husbands, don’t feel silly or dumb. Just do it. You are alone in the garden with your wife. Don’t think about what others may think or feel. There are no others. Remember, she is only telling you the things that are going to make her climax more powerfully. She is playing with herself while watching you. What could be more exciting?
Wives, you may find that your greatest pleasure just comes from watching him pleasure himself. You may just want him to close his eyes and stroke his penis while you watch. Or, you may want him to look you in the eye while he pleasures himself. You may want him to say your name or tell you how turned on he is. Again, the goal is to customize it for your pleasure – whatever that may be.
Doing this properly and effectively will require you to have settled on your bedroom vocabulary as we have covered in past posts. If you need to settle on terms for body parts and actions before you begin, then do so. Also, don’t be afraid to throw in an on-the-spot instruction in the heat of the moment. You may discover things that you like that you had not thought of previously. You may also tell your lover to not do things that you don’t find appealing. If you are the show-er, don’t get your ego/feelings hurt if the tell-er tells you to switch things up. You both love each other. This is about service to your spouse, not ego. If there is a particular thing that your spouse is doing that is not your particular cup of tea, but is also not very major, then just let it go. It may be better to talk about little stuff later rather than run the risk of discouraging/hindering your lover.
One thing that may be helpful in coming to an agreement here is to let each spouse choose 5-7 actions that they would like to see their lover perform in front of them while they masturbate. Once the items are chosen, show the list to your spouse who gets to cross one thing off of the list (if they desire). Whatever they have crossed off is not a requirement, but the rest of the requests must be whole-heartedly agreed to and joyfully offered.
Once you have both had a turn at being the show-er and the tell-er, this Sexercise is complete…with one small addition.
PART TWO – SHARE YOURSELF
In all of PART ONE, there was no physical contact between lovers. In PART TWO, we offer a variant to the assignment that you can use on your first time through or on subsequent exploration. We HIGHLY recommend that you experiment with Sexercise #4 in various forms until you come up with things that can become staples in your intimate relationship.
Sharing yourself is when you actively allow your spouse to use your body or touch your body during their self-pleasure. This may work slightly differently for men and women, but the following examples will help give you a picture of what we mean.
SHARING IN YOUR WIFE’S SELF-PLEASURE
Sometimes you can join in your wife’s masturbation/self-pleasure session by participating with her physically. This is different than manual stimulation (which we will cover later). In this context, Sharing is when you hold/caress/touch your wife in a way/s that she prescribes that will help her achieve a more powerful sexual release. There are many ways that your wife may desire you to do this. One such way is as follows:
Husbands, sit on your bed with your back against the wall/headboard. You can be clothed or naked based on your wife’s request/desire. Spread your legs slightly and have your wife sit between your legs with her back to you. When she is in this position, she can begin her self-caress. At this point, many things can occur. They range from her finding increased pleasure just through your closeness all the way to her asking your to play with her breasts, rub her thighs, kiss her neck, squeeze her legs/bottom, or even insert a finger into her vagina/anus. Keep in mind again that she is MASTURBATING in this session. She will be highly focused on providing the most direct pleasure to herself. You don’t want to get ahead of or fall behind her pleasure. Follow her lead. You will find that this sharing can take an “extraordinary” orgasm to the place of being “extra-extraordinary.”
Another option in sharing in your wife’s self-pleasure is to allow her to freely rub herself up against your body. The heat and touch of your skin on hers can be very arousing to some women. She may want to rub her breasts, vagina, etc. up against your arms, legs, penis, etc. Your job is to just be still and to let her enjoy until she reaches orgasm just by rubbing or by stimulation with her own hand.
SHARING IN YOUR HUSBAND’S SELF-PLEASURE
Wives, sometimes you can offer your body to your husband in a way that is beautiful, sensual, simple, and effective all at the same time. In this type of Sharing, you need to offer little more than availability, attention, and affirmation. It will mean a lot to your husband for you to share yourself in this way, and it will speak VOLUMES to him about your interest in his sexual fullness and release. Again, there are many ways that you will both discover to do this, but we offer the following as ways to spark your own imaginative sharing together.
NEWS FLASH: Wives, sometimes your husbands may just want to masturbate while they look at your body. This can be especially true if they sense that you are too tired or uninterested in sex at a moment that they desire some form of release. We hear from so many husbands that masturbate apart from their spouse’s knowledge. In our opinion, this should “NEVER” happen. A “good” wife would take joy in sharing in her husbands self-pleasure because it keeps it as an act between THEM instead of something done in secret or alone.
With this in mind, consider the following:
- You may want to try a version similar to the sharing described above. Let the wife sit with her back to the wall/headboard and let her husband sit in between her legs with his back to her while he pleasures himself. Again, this will be different than manual stimulation. This is his session of targeted, effective self-pleasure that his wife is sharing in. The wife can hold, rub, hug, kiss, etc. all to share in her husbands release.
- Another option is for the wife to lay on her back naked with her legs spread apart. In this scenario, the husband can kneel between his wife’s legs while facing her so that he has a full view of her naked body. He can easily reach his genitals and pleasure himself with all of his “favorite things” in plain sight.
- It is also possible for a husband to straddle his wife’s midsection while she is on her back. He is on his knees over her. His knees are surrounding her rib cage and he is facing her. He can masturbate in this position while focusing on his wife’s breasts. He can also rub his penis on or around her breasts in this position. In some cases, it is also possible for his wife to caress his penis between her breasts, or to simply fondle or play with her breasts while he pleasures himself.
- Another option is one that some women may find difficult, but that can be VERY pleasurable to some men is for his wife to be in a “doggy-style” position or laying on her stomach. When his wife is kneeling with her bottom up in the air towards her husband, it allows him a full view of his wife’s most intimate parts. When he is pleasuring himself while looking at you from behind, it can increase his pleasure simply because the position is SO sexual in nature.
- Finally, it may be enjoyable for a man to straddle the upper part of his wife’s legs while she is laying face down. If he is on his knees with one knee on either side of her thighs, this can allow him to focus more directly on her backside while he is pleasuring himself – something that many men enjoy.
In all of these scenarios, there are a few considerations for wives to keep in mind. Where possible, make eye contact. This says to your husband that even though you are not sexually participating, you are involved and interested in what is happening. Secondly, affirm him with noises and sounds. Don’t be fake or unauthentic, but if you “ooh,” “ahh,” and “mmm” with him, it will go a long way. Finally, be open to the fact that while he is enjoying this act, it may quickly become a turn-on for you as well.
WHAT ABOUT THE GOO?
In all of the scenarios above, there is an issue with ejaculation to consider. This can occasionally be a consideration when a woman climaxes, but it almost universally a consideration when a man does. We will deal with female ejaculation in future posts, but we need to address some areas about male ejaculation before we close.
- Men, be a considerate ejaculator. Unless your spouse has cleared you to surprise her, let her know when you are about to ejaculate. Using simple words like “I’m coming” or “Okay” or “Here it is” can go a long way in the area of encouraging your wife to share her body with you more freely.
- Wives, get past the issue over the “gross-ness” of your husbands ejaculate. It is not gross and it is not unclean. Unless you have things you are working through from past abuse/victimization, then just accept that your husband will have to “come” every time he is pleasured. It only takes a minute to clean up, so be a good sport. Don’t be so concerned about where it is going that you become a hindrance to his free enjoyment of pleasure.
- Men, with this in mind, put a little effort in to minimize the mess, especially at times when your wife is trying to “serve” you instead of participating with you. In these times, part of the goal is to keep things “easy,” which includes clean up.
- Wives, allow your husband to ejaculate “on” you. Let him do it on your breasts, abdomen, etc. Let him do it on your bottom as well if he desires. This is part and parcel to his male sexuality. Try to let it be as complete and full as possible.
- Men, if you have a wife that is agreeing to let you ejaculate on her, try to aim. This may seem crass, but when you ejaculate on her breasts or abdomen, clean-up can be easy. Even on her backside, if done properly, can be a quickly remedied mess. However, when it involves her face, hair, etc. that is another story. Men, let me let you know that ejaculating on a woman’s face MAY be an act of degradation that you may need to stay away from. Read the article on The One Danger INSIDE the Garden and then discuss this/pray with your spouse. It MAY (though not always) be something that neither a man nor woman should desire.
This last part is DIFFICULT TO WRITE. PLEASE BEAR WITH ME.
Along these lines, men, when you ejaculate on your wife’s abdomen or breasts, be mindful to keep it “in the middle.” It can be discomforting for some women to have semen running off of their bodies onto the sheets. It can also be harder to clean up. Furthermore, if you are choosing her abdomen, be mindful not to get it in her pubic hair or on her vagina itself. In times of great, shared passion, this can be glorious, but in times of “low-maintenance service” from a wife to a husband, this can be a great hassle to clean quickly. Finally, if your wife allows you to ejaculate on her backside, there is a common courtesy that she is expecting: aim higher towards the small of her back, not directly in the middle of her bottom. She does not want to have to deal with ejaculate running down the “crack” of her backside towards all of her bits and parts. Again, this could undermine your ability to enjoy this in the future.
Whew! That was not easy!
One final point here: plan for the mess. Have some sort of tissues, wipes, washcloth, etc. nearby. With the nature of male ejaculation in general, even the “post” drips can get “everywhere” while a man is going to locate items to clean up with. A really loving and giving wife will take on the role of the clean up so that her husband can bask in his post-orgasmic glow. At the same time, a really loving and giving husband will understand the importance of “cleaning up after himself,” and will have no problem making sure that his wife is clean and comfortable – if for no other reason than her willingness to share herself in such an intimate way.
Our best recommendation here is to inhale and exhale in this responsibility – at different times serving and being served.
Sexercise #4 is full of rich sexual bounty for both spouses. We encourage you to share in variations of it throughout your Great Married Sex life.
We have many more things to share with you. In the mean time, enjoy each other freely and experience GREAT and POWERFUL orgasmic sexual release with each other often. And DON’T FORGET the strong, non-sexual bonding that can/should occur after this Sexercise is complete. Holding and enjoying each other afterwards is really the best part of the sexual relationship (at least in my opinion).
Mike and I love you. Let us hear from you on this or anything else we have written. It keeps us going.