As we close out this year and set ourselves to go onward and upward in 2015, it is important, as married couples, to include our sexual relationship in the list of areas we purpose to take to the next level in the New Year. So often, our Married Sex lives are the last area about which we make any resolution to improve. This can be for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that one or both partner(s) can sometimes feel as if the sexual aspect of their Great Married Life has already reached its peak. This, of course, goes against the very nature of a marriage relationship, which should be the ultimate expression of continued intimacy and discovery. To accept that we can’t do any better in our Married Sex lives is an injustice to our spouses and to ourselves.
As a couple, we should not just want to enter the New Year with an aim toward improved household management, physical health & fitness, spiritual dedication, financial discipline, and communication. We should want to grow across the board and this includes our Married Sex relationship. And, like any other area in which we desire to improve, greater Married Sex begins with knowing exactly where we stand currently.
Before discussing this subject with your spouse, consider the following for yourself:
- Do you have the courage to ask your spouse about their satisfaction level with the sexual relationship you share? Do you think your spouse would give you an honest answer?
- Is this a question you don’t want/need to ask your spouse because you already know the answer? Or, is it a question you don’t want to ask because you are afraid you may be asked the same question in return? Do you feel comfortable enough to honestly answer the question of sexual satisfaction if your spouse posed it to you?
- Are you afraid to ask this question because you are not willing to make the adjustments necessary to address any dissatisfaction that may be expressed? Or, are you concerned that opening up this discussion will only lead to disappointment on your end because of a spouse that you feel doesn’t place a value on your expressed desires?
- What does your comfort level (or lack thereof) regarding this question reveal to you about your marriage? How did it get to be this way? What will it take to get it/keep it the way it should be? Are you willing to do what it takes? Is your spouse? Why or why not?
Once you have prayerfully worked through these matters in your own heart, you may be ready to move on to having a meaningful discussion with your spouse. For most of us, it is difficult to really get a pulse on where we stand in our Married Sex relationships because we simply don’t know how to ask the right questions in the right ways. “Are you satisfied with the current state of our sexual relationship?” seems like an easy way to ascertain a simple answer. I have discovered, however, that the subtleties and nuances of what make Married Sex great usually require more than a closed-ended “yes” or “no” question. When you ask only these types of questions, I find that one spouse (or sometimes both) can remained sexually “contained” to a degree. When we are asked to evaluate our Married Sex relationship from a “summary” or “overall” perspective, it seems that some important opportunities for growth can get lost. I have concluded, therefore, that for real sexual potential to be fully realized within a marriage, there are multiple points across the Married Sex spectrum that need to be evaluated and discussed.
I believe that a “scaled” inquiry provides a significantly better baseline from which a couple can begin conversations that will lead to higher heights in their Married Sex relationship. In place of general questions regarding overall satisfaction, consider something like the following:
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest mark, how satisfied are you with the following aspects of our Married Sex life?
- Frequency (Is it happening enough for you?)
- Duration (Is it too fast to be enjoyed mutually? Is it too long-drawn-out to be enjoyed more often?)
- Variety (Is it monotonous? Do you feel we are taking advantage of “every” available means of mutual pleasure? Would you like to experiment more with “when” and “where” and “how?” Do you have any desires you wish to express in this area?)
- Spontaneity (Is it predictable/controlled? Or, do you feel the liberty to let passion overtake us at a given moment?)
- Mutuality (Is it one-sided or do you feel that both of us bring desire to the table and walk away mutually fulfilled?)
- Priority (Do you feel that sex is given the appropriate time and weight it deserves within our marriage?)
- Entirety (Are all parts of Married Sex represented in our relationship? Do you feel satisfied with the “before,” “during,” and “after” elements of our sexual/physical relationship? Is anything missing?)
- Energy (Do you feel that we both bring energy into our sexual relationship? Is it kept fresh and refreshed with newness and zeal? Do you feel that we both make efforts to make it great and even greater as time goes on?)
- Dedication (Do you feel that I am doing everything I can to work through any obstacles to our mutual sexual fulfillment [including physical, hormonal, psychological, age, and/or other issues]? Do you feel that I am willing to adjust my ego and/or preferences to accommodate you and your sexual desires/needs?)
This is just a partial list to get the discussion started, but there are some important themes here that are sure to get you going on the right track. Like all “resolutions,” don’t try to change everything all at once. Sometimes monumental progress is accomplished by small incremental changes. Be vulnerable. Be humble. Be open. Be honest. Be willing. You can get there. This next year will not be the last and ultimate Married Sex you ever have, but it can certainly be a notch up from where it has been. Go for it. God wants you and your spouse to have HIS BEST in this blessed reward of a Great Married Life (Proverbs 5:18-19 AMP).