Adultery/Sexual Betrayal

When people commit adultery/sexual betrayal, they unwittingly issue a “gift certificate” to their spouse (should they choose to stay in the marriage) to do the same thing. The betrayed spouse (subconsciously) accepts this gift certificate and decides how they are going to spend it. Sexual betrayal is betrayal of the highest order. The gift certificate that the offending party issues is basically good enough for any item in the store. It’s like a $5,000.00 gift card to the Apple Store. The offending spouse can use these emotional/relational funds on whatever they desire. The typical spouse will be patient as they consider the best use of the funds. The often remain still, holding onto the new behavioral entitlement they have received.

A Christian spouse will usually not use the gift certificate on a big ticket item like adultery. They know that not only will God not approve such a purchase, but also that such an act may over-extend their funds and create back-end costs. A Christian spouse doesn’t redeem their Apple Bucks for a QuadCore G5 or big RAID Drives. Instead, they slowly cash in their funds by buying 5,000 iTunes .99 downloads. With jabs, slights, coldness, indifference, threats, instability, sexual withdraw, etc. The result is the equivalent of “death by paper cut” for their marriage. It usually dies a slow, painful death.

This can (and has) been overcome by many couples. It all starts with communication, honesty, repentance, prayer, counsel, and time to process. Forgiveness and healing can come, but not until the offended spouse has fully released their claim to the gift certificate. They must relinquish all right to any purchase small or large. Otherwise, they are simply delaying the inevitable. A person cannot be made to pay for the same sin repeatedly. If the offending spouse has brought forth fruits worthy of his/her repentance (which is a serious issue), the offended spouse has to eventually CHOOSE to let it go.

It can be done. God is Faithful. The Same Love in the heart of Jesus lives in our hearts. It is a forgiving, no-claim love. I pray God blesses and comforts any couple that may be dealing with this type of issue today. I love you! God loves you more.


My Wife Has Saved Me

It is often said of a wife that she has saved her husband. That is certainly true in my case. Of course, I don’t intend this in the eternal, spiritual sense we normally think of being saved though I am sure the love of many women has led their spouses to the Saving Knowledge of Christ. I speak, instead, of husbands being saved by their wives in another sense. Saved from life. Saved from fear. Saved from pain. Saved from himself.

Connie M. Smith has saved me. She has saved me in ways simple and complex, surface and deep, common and profound. I suspect there are many husbands that would say this about their wives. I don’t need to elaborate on details because men know the depth of their own souls and pain and weakness. We also know the transformative power an “Abigail” can offer us, even if we have yet to demonstrate sufficient Wisdom to let that power wash over and transform us.

Connie has saved me in the same way many women have no doubt saved many men throughout history. What I am most grateful for, however, is that she has not saved me to herself as others have done. Delilah saved Samson, at least I’m sure that’s what he thought was happening. To him, her touch, caress, and voice were not of sexual seduction, but of salvation. Her sex was of a healing nature. She was a safe place for the powerful man to rest, a place where he didn’t have to be powerful at all. But, alas, her love was not love. She offered him rest in her instead of offering him rest in God through her. A troubled and troublesome woman saves a man unto herself. The true love of a true woman saves and heals a man that he may be more secure in Christ rather than being secure in her or even in himself.

A woman is capable of continuing or competing with the work a mother, father, and/or an earlier life has begun. She can do this whether the initial work be good or bad. A good woman may find the need to skillfully combat, complete, undo, and/or undermine the previous work as appropriate. She will know how. Given enough time, she will discover what her man needs, what he lacks, and what needs to be broken away from him. It is what a good woman does. She gives life. She nourishes. She heals. She saves. I’ve been saved. I’m being saved. Connie has saved me.

I have recently considered one larger idea in all of this. It may, in fact, not be a woman that saves a man, nor even the love of a woman per se. It may simply be that Love is what saves. If this be the case, it makes sense that a good woman saves her husband to God and not to herself, for God is Love.

PS: I am sure this could be said of a man saving his wife as well, though that has not been my primary or personal experience. That is, I do not think that it has been.


Mixed Feelings

There is a lot to consider in this case. My heart hurts for everyone involved. I pray Peace upon all.

To me, the beauty of it all is that Great Married passion can last into our later years. The sadness of it all is the loss of this man’s friend and lover.

Panda Love


Saw this online today on Twitter. Was amazed and laughed at the silliness of it all and how we let God’s Gift of Sex be taken so seriously that we miss out on the sheer joy and fun of being with our spouse. Too “sexy” to post on FB, but highly appropriate for married couples that could learn a d lesson from the animal kingdom.  Some of the video clips are hilarious. I saw good for these pandas!

A Sexual Resolution

As we close out this year and set ourselves to go onward and upward in 2015, it is important, as married couples, to include our sexual relationship in the list of areas we purpose to take to the next level in the New Year. So often, our Married Sex lives are the last area about which we make any resolution to improve. This can be for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that one or both partner(s) can sometimes feel as if the sexual aspect of their Great Married Life has already reached its peak. This, of course, goes against the very nature of a marriage relationship, which should be the ultimate expression of continued intimacy and discovery. To accept that we can’t do any better in our Married Sex lives is an injustice to our spouses and to ourselves.

As a couple, we should not just want to enter the New Year with an aim toward improved household management, physical health & fitness, spiritual dedication, financial discipline, and communication. We should want to grow across the board and this includes our Married Sex relationship. And, like any other area in which we desire to improve, greater Married Sex begins with knowing exactly where we stand currently.

Before discussing this subject with your spouse, consider the following for yourself:

  1. Do you have the courage to ask your spouse about their satisfaction level with the sexual relationship you share? Do you think your spouse would give you an honest answer?
  2. Is this a question you don’t want/need to ask your spouse because you already know the answer? Or, is it a question you don’t want to ask because you are afraid you may be asked the same question in return? Do you feel comfortable enough to honestly answer the question of sexual satisfaction if your spouse posed it to you?
  3. Are you afraid to ask this question because you are not willing to make the adjustments necessary to address any dissatisfaction that may be expressed? Or, are you concerned that opening up this discussion will only lead to disappointment on your end because of a spouse that you feel doesn’t place a value on your expressed desires?
  4. What does your comfort level (or lack thereof) regarding this question reveal to you about your marriage? How did it get to be this way? What will it take to get it/keep it the way it should be? Are you willing to do what it takes? Is your spouse? Why or why not?

Once you have prayerfully worked through these matters in your own heart, you may be ready to move on to having a meaningful discussion with your spouse. For most of us, it is difficult to really get a pulse on where we stand in our Married Sex relationships because we simply don’t know how to ask the right questions in the right ways. “Are you satisfied with the current state of our sexual relationship?” seems like an easy way to ascertain a simple answer. I have discovered, however, that the subtleties and nuances of what make Married Sex great usually require more than a closed-ended “yes” or “no” question. When you ask only these types of questions, I find that one spouse (or sometimes both) can remained sexually “contained” to a degree. When we are asked to evaluate our Married Sex relationship from a “summary” or “overall” perspective, it seems that some important opportunities for growth can get lost. I have concluded, therefore, that for real sexual potential to be fully realized within a marriage, there are multiple points across the Married Sex spectrum that need to be evaluated and discussed.

I believe that a “scaled” inquiry provides a significantly better baseline from which a couple can begin conversations that will lead to higher heights in their Married Sex relationship. In place of general questions regarding overall satisfaction, consider something like the following:

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest mark, how satisfied are you with the following aspects of our Married Sex life?

  1. Frequency (Is it happening enough for you?)
  2. Duration (Is it too fast to be enjoyed mutually? Is it too long-drawn-out to be enjoyed more often?)
  3. Variety (Is it monotonous? Do you feel we are taking advantage of “every” available means of mutual pleasure? Would you like to experiment more with “when” and “where” and “how?” Do you have any desires you wish to express in this area?)
  4. Spontaneity (Is it predictable/controlled? Or, do you feel the liberty to let passion overtake us at a given moment?)
  5. Mutuality (Is it one-sided or do you feel that both of us bring desire to the table and walk away mutually fulfilled?)
  6. Priority (Do you feel that sex is given the appropriate time and weight it deserves within our marriage?)
  7. Entirety (Are all parts of Married Sex represented in our relationship? Do you feel satisfied with the “before,” “during,” and “after” elements of our sexual/physical relationship? Is anything missing?)
  8. Energy (Do you feel that we both bring energy into our sexual relationship? Is it kept fresh and refreshed with newness and zeal? Do you feel that we both make efforts to make it great and even greater as time goes on?)
  9. Dedication (Do you feel that I am doing everything I can to work through any obstacles to our mutual sexual fulfillment [including physical, hormonal, psychological, age, and/or other issues]? Do you feel that I am willing to adjust my ego and/or preferences to accommodate you and your sexual desires/needs?)

This is just a partial list to get the discussion started, but there are some important themes here that are sure to get you going on the right track. Like all “resolutions,” don’t try to change everything all at once. Sometimes monumental progress is accomplished by small incremental changes. Be vulnerable. Be humble. Be open. Be honest. Be willing. You can get there. This next year will not be the last and ultimate Married Sex you ever have, but it can certainly be a notch up from where it has been. Go for it. God wants you and your spouse to have HIS BEST in this blessed reward of a Great Married Life (Proverbs 5:18-19 AMP).

Stay Frisky.